+ Reply to Thread
Page 9 of 9 FirstFirst ... 5 6 7 8 9
Results 401 to 434 of 434

Thread: I'm the Spouse/SO of an alcoholic.

  1. #401
    Quote Originally Posted by KaiserSoze View Post
    Yeah, you're addressing it as a systemic issue vs. just a "temporary" stretch of intoxication is how it comes across to me. Full disclosure that I'm pretty hammered right now so who knows.
    Well, either is temporary, strictly speaking. Making the addict sane on a more than temporary basis takes some work.

  • #402
    asshat Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man probably preboards planes Celery Man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Austin
    Posts
    15,070
    If you're an alcoholic/addict... you know how if you left a shoebox in the corner of your room for a week, it would basically become invisible to you. And if you kept doing that, you'd have a $#@!ton of shoeboxes all over the place and you wouldn't even notice they were there, and you wouldn't think there was anything strange about your room. And maybe you rationalize why the shoeboxes are there and there's $#@!ing not anything wrong with the shoeboxes and you're going to clean up the room and what's the big deal with the shoeboxes, it's not that weird. And.... ok the analogy breaks down a bit here but at some point you know the shoeboxes are out of hand and it's causing you lots of problems but you cannot live without the shoeboxes and not being surrounded by shoeboxes causes physical and mental duress. And then somebody kicks in the door to your room shouting about the shoeboxes and how you can't have the shoeboxes anymore and they're taking the shoeboxes from you and you're never going to Nordstrom again and you've gotta join a fruity anti shoebox religion. And you freak out and lash out and say a bunch of $#@! out of panic, anger and just your own $#@!ing shoebox insanity. That's kinda the deal there. You get clean and you're kinda like.... man, the floor is pretty good, holy $#@! I can't believe what I was saying and doing when they came for the shoeboxes.

  • #403
    asshat TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Usually cruising down back alleys
    Posts
    4,368

    I'm the Spouse/SO of an alcoholic.

    I made some progress (I think?) earlier. I was talking to her and broke down our relationship into a beginning, middle, and current situation. I told her I didn't know which one was really her and if it was all a facade and this was her real self. She said that her real self was how we were when we first met/fell in love/got married/etc. and not her downward spiral she's been in. For all I know that was just throwing me a bone. I can't trust her at this point.
    I then asked her what was wrong then and she said she felt like she was losing herself. Obviously that worried me and I told her so and that I wanted her to get help before she got so far off the rails that she would ruin everything she's been working towards. She said she's seeing her therapist that she had since middle school and had to stop seeing when distance became an issue later this summer. I said I was relieved and that if the therapist says I'm the root of her problems then we don't have to have contact anymore because in the long run all I care about is her getting better and not continuing on this path.

    I'm 99% sure I'll be blamed for this and I'm okay with that as long as she gets better. The support I've gotten from everyone in my family (and on here too I guess) and hearing my family say that they were relieved because she was dragging me down was really eye opening.

    Also, she had the therapist since middle school because of issues between her parents. They all went to the same person because the therapist wanted to see them all and they just kept seeing her.
    Last edited by TrouserTrout; 05-13-2017 at 01:06 AM.

  • #404
    asshat TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Usually cruising down back alleys
    Posts
    4,368

    I'm the Spouse/SO of an alcoholic.

    The cliche that love is blind really is true because my parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc all saw what she was doing to me but I couldn't see it.

  • #405
    asshat Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison Shaggy Platinum Kyrie Eleison's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    hangin' with the Anti-Christ
    Posts
    15,983
    Quote Originally Posted by BearSchlong View Post
    It's probably not a looking glass moment for him, because alcoholics can't see that kind of $#@! until they're ready to see it. They're probably wrapped up in codependence masquerading as a "real man taking care of his little girl".
    this...

  • #406
    asshat yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? yarbr might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge?
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    1,263
    And now imagine that shoebox is white. Just $#@!ing with you man, good perspective.

  • #407
    Quote Originally Posted by TrouserTrout View Post
    I made some progress (I think?) earlier. I was talking to her and broke down our relationship into a beginning, middle, and current situation. I told her I didn't know which one was really her and if it was all a facade and this was her real self. She said that her real self was how we were when we first met/fell in love/got married/etc. and not her downward spiral she's been in. For all I know that was just throwing me a bone. I can't trust her at this point.
    I then asked her what was wrong then and she said she felt like she was losing herself. Obviously that worried me and I told her so and that I wanted her to get help before she got so far off the rails that she would ruin everything she's been working towards. She said she's seeing her therapist that she had since middle school and had to stop seeing when distance became an issue later this summer. I said I was relieved and that if the therapist says I'm the root of her problems then we don't have to have contact anymore because in the long run all I care about is her getting better and not continuing on this path.

    I'm 99% sure I'll be blamed for this and I'm okay with that as long as she gets better. The support I've gotten from everyone in my family (and on here too I guess) and hearing my family say that they were relieved because she was dragging me down was really eye opening.

    Also, she had the therapist since middle school because of issues between her parents. They all went to the same person because the therapist wanted to see them all and they just kept seeing her.
    Lemme just tell you, an addiction is not attributable to any one person other than the addict. You are not the problem. She is the problem and she alone holds the keys to solve the problem. There may be various things you could have done better, but you are not the problem. Don't let anyone tell you you are.

  • #408
    I guess I put this here as I don't know where else it goes. I am sure I have said this 1,000 times by now but my father attempted suicide in January of 16 after years of alcohol/pill abuse and survived luckily/unluckily. He has severe frontal lobe damage and is blind now and also has dementia. I am lucky enough to be able to see him 3-4 times a week as he is now only 45 minutes away and he used to be 4 hours away. Anyways, driving back home this morning from seeing him with my wife we got on a silly talk about the one person we would have dinner with if we ever could. I gave a silly answer of Keith Richards but I would have said my dad if I could have kept from crying.

  • #409
    asshat TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Usually cruising down back alleys
    Posts
    4,368
    Quote Originally Posted by TwiceHorn View Post
    Lemme just tell you, an addiction is not attributable to any one person other than the addict. You are not the problem. She is the problem and she alone holds the keys to solve the problem. There may be various things you could have done better, but you are not the problem. Don't let anyone tell you you are.
    Oh I know it's a combination of things but I'm sure she'll try to make me the scapegoat. Thankfully it seems like this therapist is worth their weight in salt and gold and has no problem calling them on their bull$#@!.

    She keeps asking me to come back because she hates "being alone" all I can say is "I'm sorry but I can't" because even thinking about going back to that place while she's there makes me very uncomfortable.

  • #410
    asshat TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Usually cruising down back alleys
    Posts
    4,368
    Quote Originally Posted by Clintonaldo View Post
    I guess I put this here as I don't know where else it goes. I am sure I have said this 1,000 times by now but my father attempted suicide in January of 16 after years of alcohol/pill abuse and survived luckily/unluckily. He has severe frontal lobe damage and is blind now and also has dementia. I am lucky enough to be able to see him 3-4 times a week as he is now only 45 minutes away and he used to be 4 hours away. Anyways, driving back home this morning from seeing him with my wife we got on a silly talk about the one person we would have dinner with if we ever could. I gave a silly answer of Keith Richards but I would have said my dad if I could have kept from crying.
    I'm so sorry for you. $#@! like this makes me realize how lucky I am in the grand scheme of things. I'm sorry that my realization comes at your expense but please know my heart hurts for your situation.

  • #411
    Quote Originally Posted by TrouserTrout View Post
    I'm so sorry for you. $#@! like this makes me realize how lucky I am in the grand scheme of things. I'm sorry that my realization comes at your expense but please know my heart hurts for your situation.
    Man, thanks and I hurt for you as well. It's going to be ok because it has to be ok.

  • #412
    asshat JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage Shaggy Silver Club JohnnyRage's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Banished to Lake Ray Hubbard
    Posts
    6,817
    I sure as $#@! don't wish Keith Richards was my Dad...maybe my crazy Uncle. I know that's not what you meant, but it's what came to mind. You should tell your wife your real answer.

    Crazier idea, you should break bread with your dad even if it is a cluster $#@!. Just the two of you.

    I had to be careful visiting my 'Granny' towards the end. Sometimes I couldn't help getting teary eyed. And sometimes she would catch me and I would pass on that emotion to her because she would get confused and think something was wrong.

  • #413
    Quote Originally Posted by BearSchlong View Post

    It's probably not a looking glass moment for him, because alcoholics can't see that kind of $#@! until they're ready to see it. They're probably wrapped up in codependence masquerading as a "real man taking care of his little girl"
    I know this has been quoted already but I'm doing it again because you have just described my ex's family better than any therapist with 12 advanced degrees and 50 years of experience could ever hope to do.

    On a different note, are you out there Buff? When I saw this thread bumped I thought it was going to be you. I'd love to hear an update if you don't mind.

  • #414
    asshat BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Jesus is coming, look busy!
    Posts
    6,599
    Quote Originally Posted by TrouserTrout View Post
    Oh I know it's a combination of things but I'm sure she'll try to make me the scapegoat. Thankfully it seems like this therapist is worth their weight in salt and gold and has no problem calling them on their bull$#@!.

    She keeps asking me to come back because she hates "being alone" all I can say is "I'm sorry but I can't" because even thinking about going back to that place while she's there makes me very uncomfortable.
    It's not a combination of things at all, if she's really an alcoholic/addict.

    Addiction is the only disease that tells the patient that they're not sick.

    Run like the wind, far far away.
    Last edited by BearSchlong; 05-14-2017 at 08:07 PM.

  • #415
    Quote Originally Posted by BearSchlong View Post
    It's not a combination of things at all, if she's really an alcoholic/addict.

    Addiction is the only disease that tells the patient that they're not sick.

    Run like the wind, far far away.
    I'll take the rare issue with you here. From a medical/psychological perspective it is a very complex mix of things, genetics, brain chemistry, distorted thinking, OCD, anxiety, depression, so forth and so on, at least as far as we understand addiction and these other maladies.

    Also, I think a number of mental health disorders seem to "tell" their sufferers that there's nothing wrong, or at least nothing fixable.

    But I'm with where you're going and that is that the change that needs to occur is not environmental (another person, place, or thing), it is within her.

  • #416
    asshat Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
    Posts
    2,329
    Quote Originally Posted by stuckinmn View Post
    I know this has been quoted already but I'm doing it again because you have just described my ex's family better than any therapist with 12 advanced degrees and 50 years of experience could ever hope to do.

    On a different note, are you out there Buff? When I saw this thread bumped I thought it was going to be you. I'd love to hear an update if you don't mind.
    Yup, I'm here. Give me a day or two and I'll give out the current situation.

  • #417
    asshat TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Usually cruising down back alleys
    Posts
    4,368
    I've also realized from this situation that I developed a nasty anger problem and can flip on a switch if someone (like the wife/ex) says something so I'm going to therapy to help. I'm pretty sure it is due to me bottling it all up for so long and it eating away inside me because this didn't happen until she started going down the rabbit hole but instead of making excuses I'm going to stop it. Thankfully I never blew up at the job but it happened in the household.

  • #418
    asshat BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Jesus is coming, look busy!
    Posts
    6,599
    We're on the same page, I'm trying to keep it simple, aka "alcoholism 101 for the bewildered civilians."

    Quote Originally Posted by TwiceHorn View Post
    I'll take the rare issue with you here. From a medical/psychological perspective it is a very complex mix of things, genetics, brain chemistry, distorted thinking, OCD, anxiety, depression, so forth and so on, at least as far as we understand addiction and these other maladies
    None of which can be effectively diagnosed or treated until the 800 pound gorilla (chemical dependency) is removed from the patient. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.


    Quote Originally Posted by TwiceHorn View Post

    Also, I think a number of mental health disorders seem to "tell" their sufferers that there's nothing wrong, or at least nothing fixable.
    So stipulated. I have a tendency to throw all sorts of mental disorders into the alcoholism box.

    Quote Originally Posted by TwiceHorn View Post

    But I'm with where you're going and that is that the change that needs to occur is not environmental (another person, place, or thing), it is within her.
    Exactly, that's what I meant when I said that it wasn't complicated at all. TrouserTrout's wife simply has to make recovery her own idea.

    She has to find her own higher power that is decidedly NOT TrouserTrout.

    I'll just leave this here because it's still apropos, even in our modern times.


  • #419
    asshat SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin Definitely Shaggy upper class SBBruin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    intersection of drankblvd and MLK
    Posts
    20,803
    TT needs rageaholics anonymous.


  • #420
    asshat BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Jesus is coming, look busy!
    Posts
    6,599
    Quote Originally Posted by TrouserTrout View Post
    I've also realized from this situation that I developed a nasty anger problem and can flip on a switch if someone (like the wife/ex) says something so I'm going to therapy to help. I'm pretty sure it is due to me bottling it all up for so long and it eating away inside me because this didn't happen until she started going down the rabbit hole but instead of making excuses I'm going to stop it. Thankfully I never blew up at the job but it happened in the household.
    That's not surprising at all. The alcoholic family is a very sick family. Therapy might help but gosh Al Anon is really great because you'll meet people who have lived through the same experiences.

    For example, anger is simply the manifestation of fear - fear that you're going to lose something that you have, or not get something that you want. And that's very hard for someone to identify, much less accept as something that just exists.

  • #421
    asshat TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Usually cruising down back alleys
    Posts
    4,368
    Quote Originally Posted by BearSchlong View Post
    That's not surprising at all. The alcoholic family is a very sick family. Therapy might help but gosh Al Anon is really great because you'll meet people who have lived through the same experiences.

    For example, anger is simply the manifestation of fear - fear that you're going to lose something that you have, or not get something that you want. And that's very hard for someone to identify, much less accept as something that just exists.
    I know the anger is from the fear that I couldn't help her get help and she was going off the rails. The fear that she wouldn't listen to me when I asked her to get help and the frustration of it as well.
    It also plays into the patriarchal role of the man of the house to keep all affairs in order. Which, while technically sexist, has been engrained into boys by their fathers (never seeing your dad cry, keep everything in the family, etc) since well before my time. Admitting you can't keep your affairs in order and in the household is admitting to failure as the patriarch. Men are prideful bastards as it is so typing this out to people who have gone through or caused this themselves is almost cathartic. There are people in worse situations than me and, no matter what, wether I'm alive or dead, the sun will rise the next morning. There are things I cannot control no matter how hard I try and I've started to accept that...Even though I'd love to keep the sun for rising and time from moving for a bit just so I can get more sleep.
    Until all of this happened I was just stumbling along in the desert with no real goal besides making it to the next day. That probably helped cause her spiral because I didn't give her proper attention but I know it isn't the sole reason. I keep slipping in and out of the remorseful stage and thinking about what I could have done differently (given her more attention for example) but I can't rightfully say that would have changed anything. So, besides the first two or so days I have been getting better. Sometimes I slip up and start feeling down about it all for like 15-30 minutes when I'm at my place but life goes on.

    Regardless, this has all woken me up and I have set goals beyond just surviving. I'm trying to get back into school and get accepted to get a masters in sports psychology and counseling from West Virginia (since the only Texas school was a masters in sports psychology is UNT). This means I won't be out of school until 30 at the earliest and she will probably keep the dogs but it was something I was flirting with for a while and this situation has given me a push towards. For the first time in a while I feel excitement for the future. Everyone in my family thought that she was holding me back and now I feel like I believe them.

  • #422
    Bear and twice dropping nuggets of wisdom all over this thread. I kind of wish I knew you guys at your nadirs so I could witness the transformation and have hope that the ex can pull it off, for her and the kids' sake.

    Trouser, that's the right attitude. I was 46 when I came to that realization. You won the lottery just by reaching it and getting a fresh start in your 20s.

  • #423
    asshat TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout Shaggy Silver Club TrouserTrout's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Usually cruising down back alleys
    Posts
    4,368
    Well, I figured I'd check in and say that I've already started working on managing my anger and so far it's been successful and people have noticed a change in my demeanor. So there's the plus.

    The negative is that cause of the stress that all this caused I lost 15 pounds cause my appetite shut down. While I do like the prospect of having a better beach body, anorexia caused by stress wasn't how I wanted it. I've started to work out of that too though thankfully and I at least kept the vitamin/mineral deficiency in check with supplements after I noticed it the second or so day. This is also the latest I've stayed up recently too. While I feel good mentally my body obviously feels different.

  • #424
    asshat Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
    Posts
    2,329
    Quote Originally Posted by Buffsoldier View Post
    Yup, I'm here. Give me a day or two and I'll give out the current situation.
    O.k., here's my update:

    Things have been intermittently up and down. She's tried to draw me into some fights, questioning/challenging my parenting skills mostly, but I've been much better at sidestepping and avoiding them (I've pretty much adopted the standard response to anything remotely negative of, "I'm sorry you feel that way.") and move on. After fighting and fighting over trying to get her to grow up and give us an accurate financial statement, we've thrown our hands up and said, "O.k., here's our fair and reasonable property division settlement offer, if you don't take it, we'll be happy to take it to mediation and have them force you to open up the books." Haven't heard back from them yet.

    We've started up with the Parental Responsibilities Evaluator. It's obvious based on the first two meetings with him that he's going to be exceptionally thorough, and he's also going to be highly focused on her addiction issues, particularly with her potential for relapse. Which is a relief. It's obvious that he's not going to take it easy on me either, which is completely fine. In our first meeting he said, paraphrased, of course, that he isn't here to be on my side, and he's not here to be on my ex's side. He's here solely to be on my daughter's side. And that's all I will ever want. At the end of the day, I really really want my daughter to have a relationship with her mommy, and I want that relationship to be equal in magnitude to her relationship with me. I don't want to have sole unsupervised custody. But after 5 years of addictions, lying, deceit and abuse on her part, I can NOT trust her word. And to be perfectly honest, I'm so close to the project that I can't trust my word either, which is why having this PRE is so important.

    Anyhoo, that's about where we are right now. I have my 3rd appt. with the PRE Monday, so we'll see where it goes from here. Due to Army commitments and some other things, I've made a deliberate choice to not go to meetings for the past month or so, just because there's only so many hours in a day and so much $#@! to be done. But believe it or not, I do feel psychologically like I'm in a pretty good place right now, I feel like I can see down the path that's been laid out for me, so knock on wood, things appear to be o.k.

  • #425
    Thanks buff. It's amazing to me how analagous our situations are, as I think I could have written that. From wanting the kids to have a good relationship to finally being in a better place and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there.

    In my case my daughter and ex got in a huge knock down drag out on mother's day over some issues w the ex's family. Daughter has spent this week w me so they've had no reconciliation and haven't even talked. I've spent the last week reminding my daughter that the ex is still her mother and loves her so she's going to have to figure out how to get along. Exchange takes place tomorrow we'll see how it goes.

  • #426
    asshat Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
    Posts
    2,329
    Yeah, fortunately (making lemonade out of the lemons) when the daughter in question is 6, the knockdown dragouts are because someone only wanted to do 3 pages of homework instead of four, or because of an early bedtime, or someone wanted chocolate milk instead of regular for dinner. After about 30 minutes all is forgotten.

    Like you, I do try very hard to go out of my way to remind my daughter that mommy loves her very much too, and that she needs to be good for mommy and give lots of hugs and kisses. Mommy's still in there somewhere. I have to believe that, for my daughter's sake if for no other reason.

    Godspeed with the exchange. I know that even though the friction is just between the two of them, you'll get tangentially involved, like it or not. Hope it goes smooth.

  • #427
    asshat Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
    Posts
    2,329
    Figured that it's been a while, so I need to vent/update just a little bit:

    The process is still going, albeit seemingly at a snails pace. I haven't heard from the PRE in over a month and a half, so I'm waffling between letting go and let the process go at his pace and reaching out to see what's up. Interestingly enough, I can tell she's had at least one or two meetings with the PRE, as in the last 6 weeks her texts/communication with me have done a near 180 from confrontational and accusatory to...well...almost nice. She's ended at least one text string with "I hope you're doing well.", and there's been lots of (seemingly non-snarky) Pleases and Thank you's. My impression, and someone correct me if I'm wrong, is that she's had 1-2 (or more) meetings with the PRE, and has come to realize what she's in serious danger of losing (her daughter), so she's not acting like a bitch, for now. Let's see if or how long it lasts.

    She never updated her financial statement, but she, or rather her lawyer, did negotiate with us. A settlement was finally reached on the property division about 2 weeks ago. Kinda pissed me off to have to write a check (or rather, make an e-transfer) for $105 large, but in going over my statement and going over it with my lawyer, it could have been significantly worse. But at least that part is now done. We've got one of the 3 milestones checked, the other two being the monthly maintenance/alimony (and for how long) and the parental responsibilities division. Her lawyer has requested that we table the negotiations on maintenance 'til after the PRE is finished with and has presented his report. Which I kind of agree with, because if (and stressing that it's only an if) I get majority custody, her maintenance should be a metric $#@!ton lower, because she'll have that much more time to look for and participate in work.

    Which brings me to the point that had me boiling-over-pissed-off. After playing $#@!-around with the negotiations on the property settlement, she had the nerve to text me the very next day asking when the settlement money would be transferred, could she have it now, etc. etc. FYPM. Had she stopped at saying that, I would have been mildly irked, but nothing significant. We all want to get money, and we all want it now. I got it, no worries there. However, she followed it up IMMEDIATELY with the statement: "I'm having trouble getting by, because I don't have any work this summer." For starters, she's already receiving $2700/month in interim maintenance that we negotiated (and will be taken out of the final maintenance amount/duration). Second, a sizeable chunk of what should be her bills, I.e. health insurance, car insurance, cell phone bill, car registration, and one or two other things, are still currently paid by me, as the status of those things was frozen because of the litigation. Third, we live in a $#@!ing state that has a $#@!ing 2.3% unemployment rate (Colorado). So if she "doesn't have any work this summer" it's because she's not $#@!ing looking for it. This pissed me right the $#@! off. I had to put the phone down and go throw leather at the punching in the basement for a while. What chutzpah.....

    O.k. Rant off. Continue to March......

  • #428
    asshat Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    I Know. I'm a Yankee.
    Posts
    16,937
    She's gonna burn through that $105k FAST. Not that you can do anything about it.

  • #429
    asshat Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
    Posts
    2,329
    Quote Originally Posted by Parliament View Post
    She's gonna burn through that $105k FAST.
    Yep.
    Quote Originally Posted by Parliament View Post
    Not that you can do anything about it.
    Nope. And I'm already preparing for the near certainty of her showing up on my front porch about a year from now (maybe more, who knows) asking/begging for more. Well's gone dry, kiddo.

  • #430
    asshat Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament Shaggy Gold Club Parliament's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    I Know. I'm a Yankee.
    Posts
    16,937
    Did you have the option of stretching out the payments, so as to delay the inevitable?

  • #431
    asshat Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
    Posts
    2,329
    I did, but you know as well as I do that if I'd done that, she a: would probably just blow through what was available each month. and b: would be complaining that I'm "withholding what was rightfully hers".

    Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

    Besides, at this point, it is no longer my responsibility to look after her best interests. It's hers. And she'd be complaining that I was still trying to run her life if I were to structure it in payments (see b above).

    At this point, all I can really do is, as it was put to me in one of the meetings, "allow her the dignity of experiencing the consequences of her actions".

  • #432
    Quote Originally Posted by Buffsoldier View Post
    At this point, all I can really do is, as it was put to me in one of the meetings, "allow her the dignity of experiencing the consequences of her actions".
    This is great advice for a lot of people.

  • #433
    Damn, buff got himself a black belt in alanon recently. Nice job, keep controlling what you can control.

  • #434
    asshat BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong Probably Shaggy upper class BearSchlong's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Jesus is coming, look busy!
    Posts
    6,599
    Quote Originally Posted by Buffsoldier View Post
    "allow her the dignity of experiencing the consequences of her actions".
    Strong to very strong. I wrote this one down because it's very powerful.

    Brings to mind a certain nobility, even when one's circling the drain.

  • + Reply to Thread
    Page 9 of 9 FirstFirst ... 5 6 7 8 9

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts

     

     

    Home .. Advertise .. ShaggyShop .. PanchoChat
    Football .. OC .. Basketball .. Baseball .. Other Sports .. RC Didn't Offer .. Gamboool
    Varsity .. Hole in the Wall .. PCL .. Einstein's .. Nasty's .. GM Steakhouse .. NSAA .. Classics
    Bada Bing .. Bernard .. Nerdz .. Can you help me with this? .. Shagslist .. Cloak Room .. Bellmont