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Thread: I'm the Spouse/SO of an alcoholic.

  1. #451
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    Quote Originally Posted by stuckinmn View Post
    It's none of my business except, as you said, to the extent it affects my kids. Well, problem is I'm in the process of agreeing to a custody split and other parameters around a parenting plan. The plan obviously looks different if she's on the road to recovery or not.

    I'm not looking for a 9th step from her as I've long ago accepted the fact I'm not going to get it.
    If I were you, I'd plan as if an ugly relapse is imminent. I've just seen so many cases where people don't stay sober.

    Especially when they aren't shouting mea culpa from the rooftops.
    Last edited by BearSchlong; 10-03-2017 at 11:20 AM.

  • #452
    Quote Originally Posted by BearSchlong View Post
    If I were you, I'd plan as if an ugly relapse is imminent. I've just seen so many cases where people don't stay sober.

    Especially when they aren't shouting mea culpa from the rooftops.
    Yeah, unfortunately, you can't go wrong betting on relapse.

  • #453
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    Up until yesterday the proceedings, to me, seemed to be going slowly, but smoothly, and most importantly, civilly. Yesterday, for me at least, that changed. Things got very ugly, and got ugly very very quickly.

    I had my last (I think) 1-on-1 meeting with the PRE. He told/warned me that it was going to be more uncomfortable, that his questions were going to be more probing, which they were. But while they were deeper, more psychologically based, they really weren't uncomfortable to me at all. Just forced me to be more introspective. Big deal. But then, about 3/4 through the appt., he dropped the bombshell. He discussed the ex a bit, and told me, "Do you know what she's accused you of?" (paraphrased) My assumption was of me being a tyrant, being too "in charge/take charge", treating her like a subordinate, etc., as I've mentioned in earlier posts here. I told him as much. He responded with, "No, she's accused you of anally raping her."

    The suddenness, sharpness, depth of tone in my voice, and volume of the reply of, "NO. That has NEVER happened. We have not EVER had sex in that fashion. EVER." surprised me. We had in fact discussed anal sex, along with other sexual preferences, on one of our first dates back in 2008, but never followed through on it, and it was made clear years ago (by her) that that was off-limits. There were the follow on questions from the PRE yesterday of, "Has there ever been any domestic violence in the house?" and "Has there ever been any verbal or emotional abuse?", the answer to each was another immediate "No, of course not." The suddenness and unexpectedness of that allegation probably had me in shock, as I think I was o.k., much less light and buoyant in the interview, but o.k. But I had plenty of time since then to think about it since then, and it's sent me into a cycle between anger and depression that someone would say that about me. Didn't sleep well, and I've been $#@!ing useless at work today.

    I am devastated by this accusation, by this outright lie about me. I am in pain. I'm not perfect by any $#@!ing means, but to insinuate, and outright LIE about it, that I would force myself on anyone, especially my wife, like that is beyond my comprehension. My ability to trust a single $#@!ing word that comes out of her mouth now is gone. Absolutely $#@!ing gone.

    This has called into question for me a multitude of things, chief of which are: If she's making $#@! like this up, even if it's the crazy/drugs/booze, what is she telling/teaching my daughter? How fit can she be to be a parent if she's doing this? Next is: How committed is she really to her sobriety? (Internal answer: Not at all) And last: Is there anything she's told me about her past, specifically with bad boyfriends/stalkers, or even with the abuse her mom made her suffer through, THAT REALLY ACTUALLY HAPPENED? I'm sincerely doubting it now.

    I have truly and deeply valued the advice and perspective that has been provided to me here. And I ask for that to continue. Please, let it continue. But I know that one of the stock answers some of you will want to reply with is: "Don't take it personally, she's just angry/crazy, or it's the booze/pills/addict talking." Please don't. There's no way I can get accused of rape and not take it personally. This hurts me as a man more than anything I've experienced.

    I just hope this PRE is smart enough and experienced enough to see through her lie....

  • #454
    Man, $#@! that bitch. Keep doing the right thing and make sure you have a good, and I mean a real good, lawyer.

  • #455
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    So sorry to hear that, Buff. FWIW, my two buddies that divorced crazy addicts had almost the exact same thing happen to them. One guy even got hauled out of his office in handcuffs because his ex claimed he raped her (three days after it supposedly happened, didn't get a rape kit). He had an air-tight alibi and the charges were eventually dropped. He ended up getting full custody of his kids in the long run, which is almost unheard of in Texas. I think those kind of claims are a hail mary play when they feel like they are losing control of the situation, or when they are told things are likely not going their way, or won't go their way in the custody hearings. I would hope if the PRE has been in his or her job long enough, they've experienced this type of stuff before and have good bull$#@! detectors.

  • #456
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    Was that a very recent accusation, or was it something she said many months ago that the PRE filed away to bring up with you yesterday? Yeah, it's a despicable thing to say but it would be helpful to know when it was stated.

    I would definitely confront her about it, the sooner the better. But in an offhand, matter of fact manner, not letting on that you'd like to throat punch her - as that would give her the satisfaction of getting your goat. I'll be that PRE has heard some real doozies. My live in GF is a caseworker for CPS and I can tell you that what sticks in your mind as an unforgivable lie may not even register on the radar screen for someone like that PRE.

    I'm not surprised that she said it, in my alcoholic insanity I accused my ex wife of committing medicaid fraud, and threatened to complain to the state board that governs her professional licensing. As if they've never heard from a disgruntled former spouse in full blown untreated alcoholism.

    Hang in there.

    edit - Pescado beat me to it.

    edit 2 - I had to apologize to my ex wife, and for the record, she's never defrauded medicaid, to my knowledge.
    Last edited by BearSchlong; 10-04-2017 at 03:39 PM.

  • #457
    Wow. I shouldn't be surprised by this $#@!, but somehow still am. Hang in there.

  • #458
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    Talk to your attorney about this and NOW !

    It will not be the first time that he/she would have been exposed to this type of crap and they will undoubtedly will have the most cogent ideas how to leverage this to your advantage.

  • #459

    I'm the Spouse/SO of an alcoholic.

    I belong on this thread but feel it's best to stay quiet. Maybe later.

    Buff -- no you should take it personally. She's racheting up the adversarial tone. Do not underestimate her and take her behavior to heart. Protect yourself and your kids. Get smart, real smart, real quick. She is your enemy until your rights and children are fully protected.
    Last edited by tropheus; 10-04-2017 at 05:33 PM.

  • #460
    Buff, I would have a voice recorder running with every interaction with her in the future. Political Correctness states that her rape charge is to be 100% believed and you are guilty until proven innocent. For me that accusation would be unforgivable.. Good luck.

  • #461
    Unforgivable. I would refuse contact in any fashion until things are finalized. Let your attorney do the talking from now on.

  • #462
    Quote Originally Posted by Buffsoldier View Post
    Up until yesterday the proceedings, to me, seemed to be going slowly, but smoothly, and most importantly, civilly. Yesterday, for me at least, that changed. Things got very ugly, and got ugly very very quickly.

    I had my last (I think) 1-on-1 meeting with the PRE. He told/warned me that it was going to be more uncomfortable, that his questions were going to be more probing, which they were. But while they were deeper, more psychologically based, they really weren't uncomfortable to me at all. Just forced me to be more introspective. Big deal. But then, about 3/4 through the appt., he dropped the bombshell. He discussed the ex a bit, and told me, "Do you know what she's accused you of?" (paraphrased) My assumption was of me being a tyrant, being too "in charge/take charge", treating her like a subordinate, etc., as I've mentioned in earlier posts here. I told him as much. He responded with, "No, she's accused you of anally raping her."

    The suddenness, sharpness, depth of tone in my voice, and volume of the reply of, "NO. That has NEVER happened. We have not EVER had sex in that fashion. EVER." surprised me. We had in fact discussed anal sex, along with other sexual preferences, on one of our first dates back in 2008, but never followed through on it, and it was made clear years ago (by her) that that was off-limits. There were the follow on questions from the PRE yesterday of, "Has there ever been any domestic violence in the house?" and "Has there ever been any verbal or emotional abuse?", the answer to each was another immediate "No, of course not." The suddenness and unexpectedness of that allegation probably had me in shock, as I think I was o.k., much less light and buoyant in the interview, but o.k. But I had plenty of time since then to think about it since then, and it's sent me into a cycle between anger and depression that someone would say that about me. Didn't sleep well, and I've been $#@!ing useless at work today.

    I am devastated by this accusation, by this outright lie about me. I am in pain. I'm not perfect by any $#@!ing means, but to insinuate, and outright LIE about it, that I would force myself on anyone, especially my wife, like that is beyond my comprehension. My ability to trust a single $#@!ing word that comes out of her mouth now is gone. Absolutely $#@!ing gone.

    This has called into question for me a multitude of things, chief of which are: If she's making $#@! like this up, even if it's the crazy/drugs/booze, what is she telling/teaching my daughter? How fit can she be to be a parent if she's doing this? Next is: How committed is she really to her sobriety? (Internal answer: Not at all) And last: Is there anything she's told me about her past, specifically with bad boyfriends/stalkers, or even with the abuse her mom made her suffer through, THAT REALLY ACTUALLY HAPPENED? I'm sincerely doubting it now.

    I have truly and deeply valued the advice and perspective that has been provided to me here. And I ask for that to continue. Please, let it continue. But I know that one of the stock answers some of you will want to reply with is: "Don't take it personally, she's just angry/crazy, or it's the booze/pills/addict talking." Please don't. There's no way I can get accused of rape and not take it personally. This hurts me as a man more than anything I've experienced.

    I just hope this PRE is smart enough and experienced enough to see through her lie....
    She is just wanting to hurt you because this is the last thing she has that can hurt you. Sorry it's happening but that is my terrible advice.

  • #463
    asshat Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BearSchlong View Post
    Was that a very recent accusation, or was it something she said many months ago that the PRE filed away to bring up with you yesterday? Yeah, it's a despicable thing to say but it would be helpful to know when it was stated.

    I would definitely confront her about it, the sooner the better.
    I don't know if it was recent or dated. Just hearing it was so jarring and shocking that I couldn't think about asking any followup questions.

    I'm actually at this point leaning towards cycling all communications through my lawyer, rather than confront her. It's obvious to me at this point that I can no longer trust anything she says, nor can I trust that she won't deliberately misinterpret whatever I say or do or twist it and lie in some way to try and make me out to be the monster, or deflect attention away from the monster that is her/is within her.

  • #464
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lidig8r View Post
    Talk to your attorney about this and NOW !

    It will not be the first time that he/she would have been exposed to this type of crap and they will undoubtedly will have the most cogent ideas how to leverage this to your advantage.
    Done. Sent him a detailed email, including a few details describing how we had discussed it while dating, but absolutely no follow though whatsoever. I went so far as to inform him that this wasn't "just a falsehood, but an outright and blatant lie". I'll wait for his response and guidance tomorrow (he's usually pretty good about responding within a day).

    Quote Originally Posted by tropheus View Post
    I belong on this thread but feel it's best to stay quiet. Maybe later.

    Buff -- no you should take it personally. She's racheting up the adversarial tone. Do not underestimate her and take her behavior to heart. Protect yourself and your kids. Get smart, real smart, real quick. She is your enemy until your rights and children are fully protected.
    Yeah, I know. I've ceased all communication with her. The next time I receive a text/email from her, I'll be sending a short reply informing her that I am no longer comfortable communicating with her directly and that all future communication should go through our lawyers.

    Quote Originally Posted by LonghornXXX View Post
    Buff, I would have a voice recorder running with every interaction with her in the future. Political Correctness states that her rape charge is to be 100% believed and you are guilty until proven innocent. For me that accusation would be unforgivable.. Good luck.
    I've thought about that. I've got voice recorder capability on my phone, so I'll probably go buy a 32 or 64 gig memory card for my phone in the next couple days to assist with that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Texaus View Post
    Unforgivable. I would refuse contact in any fashion until things are finalized. Let your attorney do the talking from now on.
    Yup. Asked my attorney for guidance specific to that, even as it pertains to day-to-day aspects of my daughter's life. Might be an overreaction, but I want my attorney's input.

  • #465

    I'm the Spouse/SO of an alcoholic.

    Quote Originally Posted by Buffsoldier View Post


    Yeah, I know. I've ceased all communication with her. The next time I receive a text/email from her, I'll be sending a short reply informing her that I am no longer comfortable communicating with her directly and that all future communication should go through lawyers.
    Been there done that, and from personal experience I can say that's a hard line to hold but do your best, and be forgiving to yourself if you have your own boundary relapse.

    Also know that taking access to you away from her will be seen as an extreme escalation which will undoubtedly lead to some increased acting out.

  • #466
    asshat Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier's Avatar
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    So, a quick update. Had another couple appointments with the PRE, where I was told that she changed her story from rape to, "Well, we were drunk on vacation in 2013, we had sex after dinner and drinks, and it went in the wrong hole. And I never talked to him about it."

    I'm slightly less horrified, but significantly more pissed off. First, the act, even as she has changed her story, still did not occur. She is still lying about this. Second, it's a damn big stretch from rape to "an accidental act during consensual sex on vacation". To my mind this is showing a maliciousness that is wholly misplaced and unwarranted. I at this point have absolutely zero ability to trust anything she says or does. I have no faith at all at this point that she won't deliberately attempt to lie, twist and misrepresent anything I say or do, and I'm frankly HIGHLY concerned about what is being said about me within earshot of my daughter and what ideas are being placed in her head. I've ceased all communication with her other than information strictly related to Annabelle, but other than that, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

  • #467
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    You should $#@! her in the butt

  • #468
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    Quote Originally Posted by KaiserSoze View Post
    You should $#@! her in the butt
    Shag gonna Shag.

  • #469
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buffsoldier View Post
    So, a quick update. Had another couple appointments with the PRE, where I was told that she changed her story from rape to, "Well, we were drunk on vacation in 2013, we had sex after dinner and drinks, and it went in the wrong hole. And I never talked to him about it."

    I'm slightly less horrified, but significantly more pissed off. First, the act, even as she has changed her story, still did not occur. She is still lying about this. Second, it's a damn big stretch from rape to "an accidental act during consensual sex on vacation". To my mind this is showing a maliciousness that is wholly misplaced and unwarranted. I at this point have absolutely zero ability to trust anything she says or does. I have no faith at all at this point that she won't deliberately attempt to lie, twist and misrepresent anything I say or do, and I'm frankly HIGHLY concerned about what is being said about me within earshot of my daughter and what ideas are being placed in her head. I've ceased all communication with her other than information strictly related to Annabelle, but other than that, I'm at a loss as to what to do.
    on the bright side, she's royally $#@!ing up this custody battle. so consider this a (painfully) necessary step in the process that ends with the outcome you want.

  • #470
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    There are some things you can say or do that there is no coming back from. You two are probably never going to have a cordial relationship much less be friends down the road. You won't be sitting around laughing about that time she accused you of anal rape. I would do everything in your power to get full custody. It will be better for your daughter and for you since it will minimize your future dealings with her as much as possible.

  • #471
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    If surprise drunken attempted buttsex with your spouse is rape, I'm going to jail.

  • #472
    so, just the tip huh?

  • #473
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    Quote Originally Posted by SBBruin View Post
    If surprise drunken attempted buttsex with your spouse is rape, I'm going to jail.
    I call that tuesday morning.

  • #474
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anastasis View Post
    I call that tuesday morning.
    He should just say she asked to $#@! her in Pasadena.

  • #475
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    I personally know 3 men (and now one from the internet) who have been accused of sexual assault during their marriages during the course of divorce proceedings/custody battles. Truly sickening

    *one was also accused of molesting his 7 yo son
    Last edited by sawbonz; 10-14-2017 at 10:32 AM.

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