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Thread: Wives and the Stupid $#@! They Say/Do

  1. #51
    asshat Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday's Avatar
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    It's your fault for marrying her

  • #52
    asshat WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex's Avatar
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    Scene: furniture is being delivered to a remodeled home for staging

    Wife: "Do I tip the furniture delivery guys...? Is that something you tip for?"

    Me: "I don't. I think I used to but I don't anymore. It's just a couple couches and there aren't any stairs. Offer 'em ice water, that's about it."

    Wife: "Well I don't have any ice, or cups or anything."

    Me: (pause) "Well then... don't offer them ice water."

  • #53
    Quote Originally Posted by WhoooTex View Post
    Scene: furniture is being delivered to a remodeled home for staging

    Wife: "Do I tip the furniture delivery guys...? Is that something you tip for?"

    Me: "I don't. I think I used to but I don't anymore. It's just a couple couches and there aren't any stairs. Offer 'em ice water, that's about it."

    Wife: "Well I don't have any ice, or cups or anything."

    Me: (pause) "Well then... don't offer them ice water."
    haha you are lucky if that's as bad as it gets.

  • #54
    Duke of New York (Exiled) Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buffsoldier View Post
    Married just short of 5 months. So far:

    Chronic:

    Me: *Watching TV happily, either TUF or How the Earth Was Made or a new Futurama episode (and concentrating on the show in question)*
    Her: (about 7 minutes into the show) "Oh, I did this today and saw that on sale at the store and this and that and blah blah blah"
    Me: *grimacing*
    My wife does similar. We'll be watching a show, then she'll start talking about her theory of who did it, or something it reminded her of or whatever. She always says that she doesn't see what the big deal is since we have a DVR, but then she gets upset when I pause it to let her say her piece.

  • #55
    asshat MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10's Avatar
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    its your fault for buying a black camaro

  • #56
    bunghole justalonghornfan is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? justalonghornfan's Avatar
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    Buff, you could always use the lady in your avatar to buff out the scratches. lol

  • #57
    Quote Originally Posted by Hellraiser97 View Post
    My wife does similar. We'll be watching a show, then she'll start talking about her theory of who did it, or something it reminded her of or whatever. She always says that she doesn't see what the big deal is since we have a DVR, but then she gets upset when I pause it to let her say her piece.
    got into a "conversation" about that last night. she asked why i never asked her to watch tv with her anymore. i said it's b/c she doesn't know when to talk and when to just watch. that didn't sit well with her.

  • #58
    Duke of New York (Exiled) Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97's Avatar
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    You have bigger balls than me (or maybe my wife is just meaner).

  • #59
    asshat Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier Shaggy Gold Club Buffsoldier's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GraciePie View Post
    Its your fault for putting rocks along your driveway. Just asking for trouble.
    Quote Originally Posted by HenryJames
    It's your fault for driving a Camaro
    Quote Originally Posted by Doc Holliday
    It's your fault for marrying her
    Quote Originally Posted by MNLonghorn10
    its your fault for buying a black camaro
    Buncha $#@!s on this site.

  • #60
    asshat baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso's Avatar
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    Phone conversations and telling me the entire backstory to whatever the issue is. I have restrained myself thousands of times from shouting, "Would you get to the $#@!ing point already?"

  • #61
    asshat Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12's Avatar
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    My wife thinks it's the greatest thing on earth when our cat climbs into an empty box and sits there in the box. She thinks it is a must see event - every time.

    Her: Quick, come here and look at this.
    Me: Is it a cat in a box? I'm busy here and don't want to get up for a cat in a box.
    Her: Just come look.
    Me: *grumble* grumble* Coming.

    Me, looking at cat in a box: Uh huh
    Her - just grinning

    I then turn around and go back to whatever I was doing.

  • #62
    Duke of New York (Exiled) Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97's Avatar
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    simple fix. Bring water bottle every time. Squirt cat every time. Either cat will stop getting in boxes or your wife will stop calling you.

  • #63
    Proud Kohls Card Holder wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix Shaggy Silver Club wix's Avatar
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    I can't wait to see what mitch contributes

    Of course I cannot come up with anything annoying or stupid that I do.

  • #64
    asshat elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo's Avatar
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    The wife and I got in a huge argument the other day and it may have been the dumbest one yet. Our ice maker has been acting up and randomly stops working, my wife prefers iced coffee to hot coffee, here is the conversation that took place last Tuesday morning.

    Wife: Crap! The icemaker stopped working last night and their isn't any ice for my coffee. I'll just have to buy one this morning.
    Me: You just brewed a whole pot and I hate buying coffee because it is a waste of money. Can you just drink it hot this morning?
    Wife: That's fine, tonight for dinner I'll make a huge batch of squash because I know you hate it.
    Me: ??? That doesn't make any sense. I didn't know you hate hot coffee, do you hate hot coffee?
    Wife: We've been living together for many years, how can you possibly not know that I don't like hot coffee?
    Me: I've seen you drink it before, I know you prefer it iced but I didn't know you hate hot coffee.
    Wife: You know I drink iced coffee every morning, why would you ask me to drink it hot!
    Me: Just because you prefer iced coffee doesn't mean you hate hot coffee!
    Wife: You never listen to me!
    Me: $#@!!

  • #65
    asshat spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Macallan12 View Post
    My wife thinks it's the greatest thing on earth when our cat climbs into an empty box and sits there in the box. She thinks it is a must see event - every time.

    Her: Quick, come here and look at this.
    Me: Is it a cat in a box? I'm busy here and don't want to get up for a cat in a box.
    Her: Just come look.
    Me: *grumble* grumble* Coming.

    Me, looking at cat in a box: Uh huh
    Her - just grinning

    I then turn around and go back to whatever I was doing.
    Positive rep sir. What the hell is it with women and cats? Sneaking up on the thing to watch him play with a stray string from the duvet does not merit missing a few pitches in a game where "there will be more".

  • #66
    asshat spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gsoda3 View Post
    got into a "conversation" about that last night. she asked why i never asked her to watch tv with her anymore. i said it's b/c she doesn't know when to talk and when to just watch. that didn't sit well with her.
    My favorite is when they ask you "Why is he/she doing that?" during a movie that neither of you have ever seen. Well, if I already knew, I wouldn't have wasted a few dollars to rent it...

  • #67
    Quote Originally Posted by spankytoes View Post
    My favorite is when they ask you "Why is he/she doing that?" during a movie that neither of you have ever seen. Well, if I already knew, I wouldn't have wasted a few dollars to rent it...
    YES. how're you gonna ask me the question to which the answer i won't know either???

  • #68
    asshat RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn Shaggy Silver Club RabidHorn's Avatar
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    My wife hates sports, she leaves me alone till the kickoff and she walks in and says:
    how much longer does this game have?

  • #69
    Duke of New York (Exiled) Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by elguapo View Post
    The wife and I got in a huge argument the other day and it may have been the dumbest one yet. Our ice maker has been acting up and randomly stops working, my wife prefers iced coffee to hot coffee, here is the conversation that took place last Tuesday morning.

    Wife: Crap! The icemaker stopped working last night and their isn't any ice for my coffee. I'll just have to buy one this morning.
    Me: You just brewed a whole pot and I hate buying coffee because it is a waste of money. Can you just drink it hot this morning?
    Wife: That's fine, tonight for dinner I'll make a huge batch of squash because I know you hate it.
    Me: ??? That doesn't make any sense. I didn't know you hate hot coffee, do you hate hot coffee?
    Wife: We've been living together for many years, how can you possibly not know that I don't like hot coffee?
    Me: I've seen you drink it before, I know you prefer it iced but I didn't know you hate hot coffee.
    Wife: You know I drink iced coffee every morning, why would you ask me to drink it hot!
    Me: Just because you prefer iced coffee doesn't mean you hate hot coffee!
    Wife: You never listen to me!
    Me: $#@!!
    Dude, messing with a woman before she's had her morning coffee (hot or iced)? Not so bright.

  • #70
    Duke of New York (Exiled) Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97 Shaggy Silver Club Hellraiser97's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gsoda3 View Post
    YES. how're you gonna ask me the question to which the answer i won't know either???
    Jesus. It's like we all married the same woman.

  • #71
    asshat Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whickums View Post
    I can't wait to see what mitch contributes

    Of course I cannot come up with anything annoying or stupid that I do.
    I got like 45 things you do that are annoying and stupid.


  • #72
    asshat Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doc Holliday View Post
    I got like 45 things you do that are annoying and stupid.


  • #73
    Quote Originally Posted by baboso View Post
    Phone conversations and telling me the entire backstory to whatever the issue is. I have restrained myself thousands of times from shouting, "Would you get to the $#@!ing point already?"
    My wife does this as well... sometimes providing so much backstory - or branching into related side stories, that she forgets what her initial topic was.

  • #74
    asshat ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del Shaggy Bronze Club ctrl+alt+del's Avatar
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    This one time I was looking forward to using our accumulated Chase card reward points to go on a vacation, only to discover that the wife blew all the points on an expensive dress that she will only wear once.
    Every time I see that commercial I want that guy to punch her in the throat.

  • #75
    asshat MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doc Holliday View Post
    Hey LL, what has your wife done recently that is inane, or general bull$#@!?

    Quote Originally Posted by Brad Wesley View Post
    agreed, this thread will not be complete until LL sounds off. we want transparency dammit.
    [vincent] I cannot wait to hear dis! [laguardia gambino]

    I don't think he's chickening out guys, he's just out of town at a hearing today!

    And like whicks, I cannot come up with a single bull$#@! thing that I do....

  • #76
    asshat fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Macallan12 View Post
    My wife thinks it's the greatest thing on earth when our cat climbs into an empty box and sits there in the box. She thinks it is a must see event - every time.

    Her: Quick, come here and look at this.
    Me: Is it a cat in a box? I'm busy here and don't want to get up for a cat in a box.
    Her: Just come look.
    Me: *grumble* grumble* Coming.

    Me, looking at cat in a box: Uh huh
    Her - just grinning

    I then turn around and go back to whatever I was doing.

  • #77
    asshat TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR Definitely Shaggy upper class TOR's Avatar
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  • #78
    asshat tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman Shaggy Gold Club tantric superman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TOR View Post
    This is pretty cool.

  • #79
    Quote Originally Posted by tantric superman View Post
    This is pretty cool.
    wanna know how i know that you're not heterosexual.

  • #80
    asshat RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO's Avatar
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    Let me preface this by saying my wife is brilliant... most of the time.

    This was not one of them.

    Me (showing off talking GPS system in loaner Land Rover): Look honey, you can change the voice from this British woman to a British man, Spanish, French, or whatever!
    Wife (sees "Norwegian" on the list): Oooh! Pick "Norwegian", 'cause my family's from Norway!
    Me: Oooookay (makes selection)
    GPS system: Bork! Bork! Bork! *
    Wife: I can't understand a word it's saying!
    Me: That's because it's in Norwegian, honey!
    Wife: Oh... I thought it would be in English with a Norwegian accent!




    * Yes, I know that's the Swedish Chef... but I don't speak Norwegian... and neither does my wife, apparently.

  • #81
    asshat Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant's Avatar
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    I'll wait a few days and let this gain some steam before I start a thread about how awesome my girlfriend is...


    TEASER: Yesterday she blew me while I played football on my XBOX and then made me a sandwich...ham & cheese with pickles and some fancy mustard she found. It was de-$#@!in-licious.

    Youjealous?

  • #82
    bunghole HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar Shaggy Bronze Club HornStar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hellraiser97 View Post
    My wife does similar. We'll be watching a show, then she'll start talking about her theory of who did it, or something it reminded her of or whatever. She always says that she doesn't see what the big deal is since we have a DVR, but then she gets upset when I pause it to let her say her piece.
    You're not doing it right. Pause it, turn to face her, explain very sincerely that you haven't seen her all day long and whatever she has to say is more important than what is on the TV. Refuse to re-start it until she has finished. You still get to watch the show, you are able to fast-forward thru all the commercials later on, you avoid the drama, and you might get laid that night.

  • #83
    batshit crazy burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos Shaggy Silver Club burntorangebongos's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RamjetFDO View Post
    Let me preface this by saying my wife is brilliant... most of the time.

    This was not one of them.

    Me (showing off talking GPS system in loaner Land Rover): Look honey, you can change the voice from this British woman to a British man, Spanish, French, or whatever!
    Wife (sees "Norwegian" on the list): Oooh! Pick "Norwegian", 'cause my family's from Norway!
    Me: Oooookay (makes selection)
    GPS system: Bork! Bork! Bork! *
    Wife: I can't understand a word it's saying!
    Me: That's because it's in Norwegian, honey!
    Wife: Oh... I thought it would be in English with a Norwegian accent!




    * Yes, I know that's the Swedish Chef... but I don't speak Norwegian... and neither does my wife, apparently.
    =======
    Excellent Story. So far the winner, imo

  • #84
    Stat Adjuster Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry probably preboards planes Huckleberry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Durant Durant View Post
    I'll wait a few days and let this gain some steam before I start a thread about how awesome my girlfriend is...


    TEASER: Yesterday she blew me while I played football on my XBOX and then made me a sandwich...ham & cheese with pickles and some fancy mustard she found. It was de-$#@!in-licious.

    Youjealous?
    No. Just glad she listened when I told her the sandwich could really use some fancy mustard.

  • #85
    asshat Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Durant Durant's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huckleberry View Post
    No. Just glad she listened when I told her the sandwich could really use some fancy mustard.
    Word, me too. The regular mustard just wasn't cutting it.

  • #86
    asshat TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser's Avatar
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    A wife will never dumb it down as much as she does when one of her sisters calls. Every time it happens, I'll go outside no matter if it's 105, 10 below, or raining. I gotta get out of the house. If there was anywhere to walk to in the area, I'd go there.

  • #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by Durant Durant View Post
    TEASER: Yesterday she blew me while I played football on my XBOX and then made me a sandwich...ham & cheese with pickles and some fancy mustard she found. It was de-$#@!in-licious.

    Youjealous?
    Unless you provide pics I'm going to assume she's a fatty.

  • #88
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    I won't post anything from my wife because she is pretty sharp. But my EX wife....
    She asked me one time to proofread a job application she had filled out. It asked "Do you speak any foreign language(s), if so, what?" She had written down, "Yes, English." That is a damn true story.
    Another time she was telling me about some bull I had doing something or other. I knew that the one she was talking about was a cow, not a bull. I said "That's not a bull, that's a cow."
    She said "No it's not, it's got horns!"
    I said "Donna, you were raised on a farm....."
    She said "Yeah, so?"
    I said "Picture in your mind.... Elsie the Cow...."
    (I know that a lot of people think that way.... but damn!)
    One day I was talking to my uncle, and she walked up and said something that was incredibly stupid, and I said "One of these days, I am going to hear a loud popping noise, and it's gonna be you pulling your head out of your ass." Well, my uncle died laughing, and I then realized that I had been the one to say something incredibly stupid. I never talk down to women. The bad part is, she was too dumb to get it to even be insulted. I felt terrible for saying it, and I just could not get over that I had. We didn't last long after that.

  • #89
    asshat TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser Shaggy Platinum TheCruiser's Avatar
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    anybody else have this issue? The wife asks you where something is/how to do a 2 or 3 step process/how to get somewhere? You give them a real quick, 5-word answer. They of course, turn to you stunned and even more confused. So you then go into extremely specific steps/details, something to the effect of, "your phone is plugged into the charger in the outlet in our bedroom near the green chair" or "meet us there at 3rd & Main Street, you'll want to park on the south side of the street because it's a one-way. to get there you will want to take the expressway but get off at Oak Avenue." And because you got so detailed, they get embarrassed. But that was the only way you were going to be relaying the information to her successfully?

  • #90
    Chieftain of Aggression Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan's Avatar
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    My wife is far from alone in this particular trait:

    "Oh honey, I wanted to tell you about something that happened today when I went to pick up (cleaning, groceries, whatever).

    I went up to the HEB on Far West -- you know I like to go to that one because they have those little yogurts that the kids like. You know, the organic squeezie ones. We put them in their lunches all the time. They really seem to like those instead of the cups of yogurt, and I don't really know why, because they taste the same.

    Anyway, as I am headed back to the pharmacy, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones -- you remember Mary Jo. She has the son that went to Ole Miss, and ended up being a petroleum engineer. He married a Mississippi girl, and he took a job and they all moved to Arkansas . . or was it Oklahoma? I think it was Oklahoma. Wait, maybe it WAS Arkansas. I remember they had some really funny story about not being able to find a 24 hour drugstore there . . . wait, it was New Mexico. That's it. They moved to New Mexico. You know, they have the cutest 2 little girls -- I saw a picture of them on Facebook I think. They were wearing these matching peach dresses, and they were outside -- and YES, it IS New Mexico, because there were mountains in the background. Geez, it has been SO long since we've been to New Mexico, we really need to take a trip sometime.

    Well, anyway, I'm talking to Mary Jo -- who looks like a million bucks still -- and she is just so delightful. We must have talked for 15 minutes about the kids, mom, her son . . . it was really nice. So, she tells me that she and her husband are selling the house in Northwest Hills and buying a little retirement ranch in Alpine."

    Me, waiting there for some sort of point to the story . . . allowing for a silent pause for a few moments. "So, that's it?"

    "Yes."

    "So the point of all that is that Mary Jo Jones is moving to Alpine."

    "Yes, that's what I said. Weren't you listening?"

    ANSWER IN MY HEAD: "Yes, I was listening to the whole damned thing, expecting there to eventually be some point. After all that, I expected the point to be something other than 'some chick you don't know is moving to West Texas.'"

    REAL ANSWER: "Yes, I was listening. That's how I know she's moving to Alpine."

    All of this, versus the guy version of that story, if he bothered to tell it all:

    "Hey honey, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones at the store. Did you know she and her husband are moving to Alpine?"

  • #91
    NAACP National Champ Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks probably preboards planes Snacks's Avatar
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    we hardly ever argue and whatnot, so it's just a bunch of one-liners... and after 5 years, they tend to blur together... the most recurring is "north is whichever direction I'm facing. "

  • #92
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brisketexan View Post
    My wife is far from alone in this particular trait:

    "Oh honey, I wanted to tell you about something that happened today when I went to pick up (cleaning, groceries, whatever).

    I went up to the HEB on Far West -- you know I like to go to that one because they have those little yogurts that the kids like. You know, the organic squeezie ones. We put them in their lunches all the time. They really seem to like those instead of the cups of yogurt, and I don't really know why, because they taste the same.

    Anyway, as I am headed back to the pharmacy, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones -- you remember Mary Jo. She has the son that went to Ole Miss, and ended up being a petroleum engineer. He married a Mississippi girl, and he took a job and they all moved to Arkansas . . or was it Oklahoma? I think it was Oklahoma. Wait, maybe it WAS Arkansas. I remember they had some really funny story about not being able to find a 24 hour drugstore there . . . wait, it was New Mexico. That's it. They moved to New Mexico. You know, they have the cutest 2 little girls -- I saw a picture of them on Facebook I think. They were wearing these matching peach dresses, and they were outside -- and YES, it IS New Mexico, because there were mountains in the background. Geez, it has been SO long since we've been to New Mexico, we really need to take a trip sometime.

    Well, anyway, I'm talking to Mary Jo -- who looks like a million bucks still -- and she is just so delightful. We must have talked for 15 minutes about the kids, mom, her son . . . it was really nice. So, she tells me that she and her husband are selling the house in Northwest Hills and buying a little retirement ranch in Alpine."

    Me, waiting there for some sort of point to the story . . . allowing for a silent pause for a few moments. "So, that's it?"

    "Yes."

    "So the point of all that is that Mary Jo Jones is moving to Alpine."

    "Yes, that's what I said. Weren't you listening?"

    ANSWER IN MY HEAD: "Yes, I was listening to the whole damned thing, expecting there to eventually be some point. After all that, I expected the point to be something other than 'some chick you don't know is moving to West Texas.'"

    REAL ANSWER: "Yes, I was listening. That's how I know she's moving to Alpine."

    All of this, versus the guy version of that story, if he bothered to tell it all:

    "Hey honey, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones at the store. Did you know she and her husband are moving to Alpine?"
    I'm going to impart some wisdom on you, because I like you. However, I have to warn you, I have no idea how your wife will respond to this. You will never forget what I'm going to tell you, and you may or may not ever use it, but you will know when it applies. OK, here goes... When you think you are about to get the woman version of a story (almost always) interrupt the story and say this:

    "Say the last part first."

    Do not thank me.

  • #93
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hellraiser97 View Post
    Jesus. It's like we all married the same woman.
    Ain't that the $#@!ing truth. I bet that I say "I don't know" at least 10 times a day and honestly mean it. She bitches, "That is all you ever say".
    If I say "I don't know", it is because I honestly DON'T $#@!ING KNOW.

    One day, she asked me some stupid question and I finally lost it. She then tells me "I can ask stupid questions if I want to". No $#@! Sherlock.

  • #94
    Chieftain of Aggression Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan's Avatar
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    Umm, yeah, Hoosier . . . I made the mistake of making the universal gesture of rolling my hand in the "keep the clock running motion" that doubles for "move it along" once. That didn't go over so well. I've learned to just let her prattle.

    I made that decision after putting the full matrix of evidence into my husband decision-o-meter, which invariably answers "is this worth starting $#@! with her?" with an answer of "NO."

  • #95
    asshat elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo Shaggy Bronze Club elguapo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brisketexan View Post
    Umm, yeah, Hoosier . . . I made the mistake of making the universal gesture of rolling my hand in the "keep the clock running motion" that doubles for "move it along" once. That didn't go over so well. I've learned to just let her prattle.

    I made that decision after putting the full matrix of evidence into my husband decision-o-meter, which invariably answers "is this worth starting $#@! with her?" with an answer of "NO."
    You are a wise man.

  • #96
    Quote Originally Posted by Brisketexan View Post
    Umm, yeah, Hoosier . . . I made the mistake of making the universal gesture of rolling my hand in the "keep the clock running motion" that doubles for "move it along" once. That didn't go over so well. I've learned to just let her prattle.
    hahaha i did that once and she went ballistic.

  • #97
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brisketexan View Post
    Umm, yeah, Hoosier . . . I made the mistake of making the universal gesture of rolling my hand in the "keep the clock running motion" that doubles for "move it along" once. That didn't go over so well. I've learned to just let her prattle...
    MoFo THIS.

  • #98
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    "Hey honey, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones at the store. Did you know she and her husband are moving to Alpine?"
    So, is Mary Jo a hot cougar or something?

  • #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brisketexan View Post
    All of this, versus the guy version of that story, if he bothered to tell it all:

    "Hey honey, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones at the store. Did you know she and her husband are moving to Alpine?"
    This is how that works out.
    Her: "Did you ask her how her son was doing?
    Me: "Who"?
    Her: "Her son that went to Ole Miss. I think he is a petroleum engineer".
    Me: "No"
    Her: "Why not? He married a Mississippi girl, and he took a job and they all moved to Arkansas . . or was it Oklahoma? I think it was Oklahoma. Wait, maybe it WAS Arkansas. I remember they had some really funny story about not being able to find a 24 hour drugstore there . . . wait, it was New Mexico. That's it. They moved to New Mexico. You know, they have the cutest 2 little girls -- I saw a picture of them on Facebook I think. They were wearing these matching peach dresses, and they were outside -- and YES, it IS New Mexico, because there were mountains in the background. Geez, it has been SO long since we've been to New Mexico, we really need to take a trip sometime."

  • #100
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brisketexan View Post
    Umm, yeah, Hoosier . . . I made the mistake of making the universal gesture of rolling my hand in the "keep the clock running motion" that doubles for "move it along" once. That didn't go over so well. I've learned to just let her prattle.

    I made that decision after putting the full matrix of evidence into my husband decision-o-meter, which invariably answers "is this worth starting $#@! with her?" with an answer of "NO."
    My wife is deaf but doesn't use sign language to communicate. She reads lips EXTREMELY well. It took me a while to learn to check the $#@!ing room for mirrors after a couple of instances of acting like I was hanging myself, shooting myself or mouthing the words "Shut the $#@! up" behind her back. Mirrors are one of the premier banes of my existence. When I enter an unfamiliar room, I scan that bitch for mirrors, pronto.

    The husband decision-o-meter is a valid tool but mine isn't always at my immediate disposal.

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