It's your fault for marrying her
It's your fault for marrying her
Scene: furniture is being delivered to a remodeled home for staging
Wife: "Do I tip the furniture delivery guys...? Is that something you tip for?"
Me: "I don't. I think I used to but I don't anymore. It's just a couple couches and there aren't any stairs. Offer 'em ice water, that's about it."
Wife: "Well I don't have any ice, or cups or anything."
Me: (pause) "Well then... don't offer them ice water."
its your fault for buying a black camaro
Buff, you could always use the lady in your avatar to buff out the scratches. lol
You have bigger balls than me (or maybe my wife is just meaner).
Phone conversations and telling me the entire backstory to whatever the issue is. I have restrained myself thousands of times from shouting, "Would you get to the $#@!ing point already?"
My wife thinks it's the greatest thing on earth when our cat climbs into an empty box and sits there in the box. She thinks it is a must see event - every time.
Her: Quick, come here and look at this.
Me: Is it a cat in a box? I'm busy here and don't want to get up for a cat in a box.
Her: Just come look.
Me: *grumble* grumble* Coming.
Me, looking at cat in a box: Uh huh
Her - just grinning
I then turn around and go back to whatever I was doing.
simple fix. Bring water bottle every time. Squirt cat every time. Either cat will stop getting in boxes or your wife will stop calling you.
I can't wait to see what mitch contributes
Of course I cannot come up with anything annoying or stupid that I do.
The wife and I got in a huge argument the other day and it may have been the dumbest one yet. Our ice maker has been acting up and randomly stops working, my wife prefers iced coffee to hot coffee, here is the conversation that took place last Tuesday morning.
Wife: Crap! The icemaker stopped working last night and their isn't any ice for my coffee. I'll just have to buy one this morning.
Me: You just brewed a whole pot and I hate buying coffee because it is a waste of money. Can you just drink it hot this morning?
Wife: That's fine, tonight for dinner I'll make a huge batch of squash because I know you hate it.
Me: ??? That doesn't make any sense. I didn't know you hate hot coffee, do you hate hot coffee?
Wife: We've been living together for many years, how can you possibly not know that I don't like hot coffee?
Me: I've seen you drink it before, I know you prefer it iced but I didn't know you hate hot coffee.
Wife: You know I drink iced coffee every morning, why would you ask me to drink it hot!
Me: Just because you prefer iced coffee doesn't mean you hate hot coffee!
Wife: You never listen to me!
My wife hates sports, she leaves me alone till the kickoff and she walks in and says:
how much longer does this game have?
Every time I see that commercial I want that guy to punch her in the throat.This one time I was looking forward to using our accumulated Chase card reward points to go on a vacation, only to discover that the wife blew all the points on an expensive dress that she will only wear once.
Let me preface this by saying my wife is brilliant... most of the time.
This was not one of them.
Me (showing off talking GPS system in loaner Land Rover): Look honey, you can change the voice from this British woman to a British man, Spanish, French, or whatever!
Wife (sees "Norwegian" on the list): Oooh! Pick "Norwegian", 'cause my family's from Norway!
Me: Oooookay (makes selection)
GPS system: Bork! Bork! Bork! *
Wife: I can't understand a word it's saying!
Me: That's because it's in Norwegian, honey!
Wife: Oh... I thought it would be in English with a Norwegian accent!
* Yes, I know that's the Swedish Chef... but I don't speak Norwegian... and neither does my wife, apparently.
I'll wait a few days and let this gain some steam before I start a thread about how awesome my girlfriend is...
TEASER: Yesterday she blew me while I played football on my XBOX and then made me a sandwich...ham & cheese with pickles and some fancy mustard she found. It was de-$#@!in-licious.
A wife will never dumb it down as much as she does when one of her sisters calls. Every time it happens, I'll go outside no matter if it's 105, 10 below, or raining. I gotta get out of the house. If there was anywhere to walk to in the area, I'd go there.
I won't post anything from my wife because she is pretty sharp. But my EX wife....
She asked me one time to proofread a job application she had filled out. It asked "Do you speak any foreign language(s), if so, what?" She had written down, "Yes, English." That is a damn true story.
Another time she was telling me about some bull I had doing something or other. I knew that the one she was talking about was a cow, not a bull. I said "That's not a bull, that's a cow."
She said "No it's not, it's got horns!"
I said "Donna, you were raised on a farm....."
She said "Yeah, so?"
I said "Picture in your mind.... Elsie the Cow...."
(I know that a lot of people think that way.... but damn!)
One day I was talking to my uncle, and she walked up and said something that was incredibly stupid, and I said "One of these days, I am going to hear a loud popping noise, and it's gonna be you pulling your head out of your ass." Well, my uncle died laughing, and I then realized that I had been the one to say something incredibly stupid. I never talk down to women. The bad part is, she was too dumb to get it to even be insulted. I felt terrible for saying it, and I just could not get over that I had. We didn't last long after that.
anybody else have this issue? The wife asks you where something is/how to do a 2 or 3 step process/how to get somewhere? You give them a real quick, 5-word answer. They of course, turn to you stunned and even more confused. So you then go into extremely specific steps/details, something to the effect of, "your phone is plugged into the charger in the outlet in our bedroom near the green chair" or "meet us there at 3rd & Main Street, you'll want to park on the south side of the street because it's a one-way. to get there you will want to take the expressway but get off at Oak Avenue." And because you got so detailed, they get embarrassed. But that was the only way you were going to be relaying the information to her successfully?
My wife is far from alone in this particular trait:
"Oh honey, I wanted to tell you about something that happened today when I went to pick up (cleaning, groceries, whatever).
I went up to the HEB on Far West -- you know I like to go to that one because they have those little yogurts that the kids like. You know, the organic squeezie ones. We put them in their lunches all the time. They really seem to like those instead of the cups of yogurt, and I don't really know why, because they taste the same.
Anyway, as I am headed back to the pharmacy, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones -- you remember Mary Jo. She has the son that went to Ole Miss, and ended up being a petroleum engineer. He married a Mississippi girl, and he took a job and they all moved to Arkansas . . or was it Oklahoma? I think it was Oklahoma. Wait, maybe it WAS Arkansas. I remember they had some really funny story about not being able to find a 24 hour drugstore there . . . wait, it was New Mexico. That's it. They moved to New Mexico. You know, they have the cutest 2 little girls -- I saw a picture of them on Facebook I think. They were wearing these matching peach dresses, and they were outside -- and YES, it IS New Mexico, because there were mountains in the background. Geez, it has been SO long since we've been to New Mexico, we really need to take a trip sometime.
Well, anyway, I'm talking to Mary Jo -- who looks like a million bucks still -- and she is just so delightful. We must have talked for 15 minutes about the kids, mom, her son . . . it was really nice. So, she tells me that she and her husband are selling the house in Northwest Hills and buying a little retirement ranch in Alpine."
Me, waiting there for some sort of point to the story . . . allowing for a silent pause for a few moments. "So, that's it?"
"So the point of all that is that Mary Jo Jones is moving to Alpine."
"Yes, that's what I said. Weren't you listening?"
ANSWER IN MY HEAD: "Yes, I was listening to the whole damned thing, expecting there to eventually be some point. After all that, I expected the point to be something other than 'some chick you don't know is moving to West Texas.'"
REAL ANSWER: "Yes, I was listening. That's how I know she's moving to Alpine."
All of this, versus the guy version of that story, if he bothered to tell it all:
"Hey honey, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones at the store. Did you know she and her husband are moving to Alpine?"
we hardly ever argue and whatnot, so it's just a bunch of one-liners... and after 5 years, they tend to blur together... the most recurring is "north is whichever direction I'm facing. "
"Say the last part first."
Do not thank me.
If I say "I don't know", it is because I honestly DON'T $#@!ING KNOW.
One day, she asked me some stupid question and I finally lost it. She then tells me "I can ask stupid questions if I want to". No $#@! Sherlock.
Umm, yeah, Hoosier . . . I made the mistake of making the universal gesture of rolling my hand in the "keep the clock running motion" that doubles for "move it along" once. That didn't go over so well. I've learned to just let her prattle.
I made that decision after putting the full matrix of evidence into my husband decision-o-meter, which invariably answers "is this worth starting $#@! with her?" with an answer of "NO."
So, is Mary Jo a hot cougar or something?"Hey honey, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones at the store. Did you know she and her husband are moving to Alpine?"
Her: "Did you ask her how her son was doing?
Her: "Her son that went to Ole Miss. I think he is a petroleum engineer".
Her: "Why not? He married a Mississippi girl, and he took a job and they all moved to Arkansas . . or was it Oklahoma? I think it was Oklahoma. Wait, maybe it WAS Arkansas. I remember they had some really funny story about not being able to find a 24 hour drugstore there . . . wait, it was New Mexico. That's it. They moved to New Mexico. You know, they have the cutest 2 little girls -- I saw a picture of them on Facebook I think. They were wearing these matching peach dresses, and they were outside -- and YES, it IS New Mexico, because there were mountains in the background. Geez, it has been SO long since we've been to New Mexico, we really need to take a trip sometime."
The husband decision-o-meter is a valid tool but mine isn't always at my immediate disposal.
Football .. OC .. Basketball .. Baseball .. Other Sports .. RC Didn't Offer .. Gamboool
Varsity .. Hole in the Wall .. PCL .. Einstein's .. Nasty's .. GM Steakhouse .. NSAA .. Classics
Bada Bing .. Bernard .. Nerdz .. Can you help me with this? .. Shagslist .. Cloak Room .. Bellmont