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Thread: Wives and the Stupid $#@! They Say/Do

  1. #101
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    One night, I was about to leave the house to attend a work event. It was winter, and my wife decided she wanted to have a fire in the fireplace that night. She asked me if I‘d light the fireplace for her before I left, and I said “sure, no problem”. I went out and got some wood, stacked it up, and was about to light it (we have a wood burning fireplace with a gas starter) when she came out and said “wait, I don’t want to start it until after my bath. Can you just get it ready and tell me how to light it? “ “Yea, sure, no problem. You take the match and put it over this hole, then slowly turn on the gas with this knob. When it lights, adjust the flame so it’s touching the wood”

    I get home a few hours later, and there is no fire.
    “ I thought you wanted a fire?”
    “I did, but it wouldn’t start”
    “Huh, that’s strange. Did you hear or smell the gas when you turned the knob?”
    “Yes, but I couldn’t get it to light”

    I go into the living room, get one of the long fireplace matches, strike it on the bottom of the box, and light the fireplace on the first try. She’s standing behind me watching and says “Oh, well you didn’t tell me I had to light the match!!”

  • #102
    asshat The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pescado_rojo View Post
    One night, I was about to leave the house to attend a work event. It was winter, and my wife decided she wanted to have a fire in the fireplace that night. She asked me if I‘d light the fireplace for her before I left, and I said “sure, no problem”. I went out and got some wood, stacked it up, and was about to light it (we have a wood burning fireplace with a gas starter) when she came out and said “wait, I don’t want to start it until after my bath. Can you just get it ready and tell me how to light it? “ “Yea, sure, no problem. You take the match and put it over this hole, then slowly turn on the gas with this knob. When it lights, adjust the flame so it’s touching the wood”

    I get home a few hours later, and there is no fire.
    “ I thought you wanted a fire?”
    “I did, but it wouldn’t start”
    “Huh, that’s strange. Did you hear or smell the gas when you turned the knob?”
    “Yes, but I couldn’t get it to light”

    I go into the living room, get one of the long fireplace matches, strike it on the bottom of the box, and light the fireplace on the first try. She’s standing behind me watching and says “Oh, well you didn’t tell me I had to light the match!!”
    ftw!

  • #103
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    I go into the living room, get one of the long fireplace matches, strike it on the bottom of the box, and light the fireplace on the first try. She’s standing behind me watching and says “Oh, well you didn’t tell me I had to light the match!!”
    [me as a chick, tapping my foot] Well . . . you DIDN'T! [/me as a chick, tapping my foot]

  • #104
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    “Oh, well you didn’t tell me I had to light the match!!”

  • #105
    asshat MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer is a rep whore. MrsLonghornLawyer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hullabelew View Post
    It took me a while to learn to check the $#@!ing room for mirrors after a couple of instances of acting like I was hanging myself, shooting myself or mouthing the words "Shut the $#@! up" behind her back. Mirrors are one of the premier banes of my existence. When I enter an unfamiliar room, I scan that bitch for mirrors, pronto.

    The husband decision-o-meter is a valid tool but mine isn't always at my immediate disposal.
    hulla I actually laughed out loud. How do I + rep her???

    Quote Originally Posted by HoosierHorn View Post
    "Say the last part first."
    I'm going to see if this works on LL. If he wasn't so damn smart, he wouldn't have to much backstory to add to the single-line news item. <Love you honey!>

  • #106
    carotid penile arteries GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT Shaggy Gold Club GSU&UT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hullabelew View Post
    My wife is deaf but doesn't use sign language to communicate.
    Was she always deaf then, because I'd imagine that she wouldn't be able to make correct speech sounds very well if she tries to talk. I apologize if it's too personal of a question, but have you learned sign language and how is it having a deaf wife?
    Last edited by GSU&UT; 08-10-2010 at 04:28 PM. Reason: contractions, how do they work?

  • #107
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    pescado's gem is the reason for this thread. Those moments get lost as you try to blank out your memory of how stupid they can be....and still blame you for it.

    Case in point: Twice a year we have two discussions on each of the following subjects.

    1) Real Estate taxes vs home insurance. We've been including taxes with the mtge payment since 1993 and paying the insurance ourselves. We get notices twice a year for taxes and billed twice a year for insurance...and every time she gets the insurance and taxes mixed up.
    2) Humidifier vs dehumidifier. Every year, when winter rolls around, I go down to find she has turned on the dehumidifier and is sucking out all of the humidity that the humidifier is pumping in to the heating system. Then in the summer, she asks why I have turned off the humidifier. We go outside to see the huge mud puddle where the AC is sucking out the humidity. "Why is it doing that"?

  • #108
    I could take this thread to 15 pages. That's one page per year.

  • #109
    dipshit NiceBevo22 is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? NiceBevo22's Avatar
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    Can't get enough of this thread but I don't have a wife so no stories.

  • #110
    Freida's Boss DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN's Avatar
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    Re: Wives and the Stupid $#@! They Say/Do

    Somehow this thread won't be complete without wide's Christmas hay ride story.

  • #111
    dipshit SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell names their bicycles. All three of them. SouthernBell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buffsoldier View Post
    Married just short of 5 months. So far:

    Chronic:

    Me: *Watching TV happily, either TUF or How the Earth Was Made or a new Futurama episode (and concentrating on the show in question)*
    Her: (about 7 minutes into the show) "Oh, I did this today and saw that on sale at the store and this and that and blah blah blah"
    Me: *grimacing*

    One time issues:

    1. We have giant lava rock landscaping rocks along the side of the driveway. I have a new Camaro. I remind my darling bride about the rocks several times before pulling into the driveway. What does she open the door into? *Grrrr*

    2. She's colonized half of the garage for use as her pottery studio. As this could bring in upwards of $2000/month, I'm o.k. with this part. I install (at significant expense) a curtain track and a heavy canvas curtain for her to pull while she's throwing. I walk out into the garage and there's spatters of mud all over the side of the aforementioned new Camaro. Irksome, but not a huge deal as it doesn't take much to take the car to the carwash and be done with it. I remind her twice of this wonderful curtain I've installed, and how it can be used to protect a car. After the second time, I go back into the house. I come back out 20 minutes later, and she says, playfully, "I got it, I wiped it off with my butt". What is potters clay? Water, some mud, and a bunch of little tiny $#@!ing rocks. When it spatters and dries, now it's just some dust and little tiny $#@!ing rocks. Oh, how happy I was to see the half dozen 3-6" long scratches in the black paint on my brand new Camaro.
    Divorce time! j/k

  • #112

    possible cretin

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    Can I extend this to Mothers-in-law? Mine legitimately thought that Tennessee didn't have paved roads.

  • #113
    I'm with DCA_horn. Funniest story ever.

    I would like to add something positive about my wife. She would never, ever in a million years ask me to do something during a sporting event. Ever.

    I'm not sure she'd even give birth on a Saturday during football season. She'd just plug it up.

    Now this isn't because I'm a $#@! and would beat her savagely. It's because - when we first met - she realized how important football and US soccer was to me so she's never tested the issue. I've been able to miss weddings, birthday parties, etc... over the years without so much as a guilt trip. That's just how it is and I'm lucky to have her despite the goddamn coupon obsession.

  • #114
    Mine legitimately thought that Tennessee didn't have paved roads.
    Ironically, I live between Knoxville and Oak Ridge and our road isn't paved.

  • #115
    My wife is from Honduras and when we moved from Houston to NYC she got rid of all of her shorts because she didn't know it got warm. I'm glad she left that off her NYU MBA application.

  • #116
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    Quote Originally Posted by Traffic View Post
    my wife never says or does any stupid $#@!
    Well, I appreciate this... but that simply isn't true. Here's one that drives him crazy. It happens frequently.

    Traffic often plugs headphones/ear buds into his laptop to listen to music, watch videos, etc. (or perhaps to avoid listening to me? hmmm...) I will, without fail, forget this and start a conversation with him--undoubtedly about something inane . Then he will exasperatedly pause what he's listening to, remove the headphones, turn to me and say, "What? Why can't you remember I'm wearing headphones?"
    Me: No, it's okay. I'm sorry to interrupt you.
    Him: No, what were you saying? I already paused it.
    Me: Well.. blah blah blah.

    Then he goes back to listening to his headphones. 10 or 15 minutes later, I'll do the same thing. I really have no explanation for this.

    At least I have self-awareness.

  • #117
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    Quote Originally Posted by pescado_rojo View Post
    One night, I was about to leave the house to attend a work event. It was winter, and my wife decided she wanted to have a fire in the fireplace that night. She asked me if I‘d light the fireplace for her before I left, and I said “sure, no problem”. I went out and got some wood, stacked it up, and was about to light it (we have a wood burning fireplace with a gas starter) when she came out and said “wait, I don’t want to start it until after my bath. Can you just get it ready and tell me how to light it? “ “Yea, sure, no problem. You take the match and put it over this hole, then slowly turn on the gas with this knob. When it lights, adjust the flame so it’s touching the wood”

    I get home a few hours later, and there is no fire.
    “ I thought you wanted a fire?”
    “I did, but it wouldn’t start”
    “Huh, that’s strange. Did you hear or smell the gas when you turned the knob?”
    “Yes, but I couldn’t get it to light”

    I go into the living room, get one of the long fireplace matches, strike it on the bottom of the box, and light the fireplace on the first try. She’s standing behind me watching and says “Oh, well you didn’t tell me I had to light the match!!”
    no way in hell this is real

  • #118
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    Quote Originally Posted by MNLonghorn10 View Post
    no way in hell this is real
    Sadly, it is.

  • #119
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    Pescado is verified -- he told me that story not long after it happened.

    And his wife is no dummy - she's plenty bright. She is just female, like the rest of them.

  • #120
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brewin'1up View Post
    My wife does this as well... sometimes providing so much backstory - or branching into related side stories, that she forgets what her initial topic was.
    I'm not even married yet, but damn, THIS!

    Yesterday I was talking to the fiance. The phone cut out so I tried to call her back. She was jabbering so much on one of these stories that she didn't realize I wasn't there and didn't answer the other line (me calling her back) because she was still rambling to me (the me that got cut off). Finally she calls me back and I point out that maybe her stories ramble too much and of course I get the silent treatment.

  • #121
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    sometimes the $#@! they say is not so stoopid ...

    She and a friend of hers are sitting at the kitchen table while we (guys) were immersed in the Cowboy game. After much mutual bitching about the upcoming season, her friend asks why she married me in the first place. Her response ... "because a vibrator can't mow the lawn."

    Touche.

  • #122
    Quote Originally Posted by creasy View Post
    Well, I appreciate this... but that simply isn't true. Here's one that drives him crazy. It happens frequently.

    Traffic often plugs headphones/ear buds into his laptop to listen to music, watch videos, etc. (or perhaps to avoid listening to me? hmmm...) I will, without fail, forget this and start a conversation with him--undoubtedly about something inane . Then he will exasperatedly pause what he's listening to, remove the headphones, turn to me and say, "What? Why can't you remember I'm wearing headphones?"
    Me: No, it's okay. I'm sorry to interrupt you.
    Him: No, what were you saying? I already paused it.
    Me: Well.. blah blah blah.

    Then he goes back to listening to his headphones. 10 or 15 minutes later, I'll do the same thing. I really have no explanation for this.

    At least I have self-awareness.
    I don't self-aware means what you think it means

  • #123
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jameslaw View Post
    I don't self-aware means what you think it means
    Yes, I know. I'm aware that I have this annoying habit, but why can't I be aware enough to not do it. Like I said, I can't explain it.

  • #124
    Quote Originally Posted by creasy View Post
    Yes, I know. I'm aware that I have this annoying habit, but why can't I be aware enough to not do it. Like I said, I can't explain it.
    Our back yard opens up to a really large park. So often I will set outside and let my dogs run around while I'll drink and listen to my mp3 player or watch a dvd on my laptop. Ineveitably she asks me to do something for and then wonders why I didn't do it.

  • #125
    Leanin' ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brisketexan View Post
    Umm, yeah, Hoosier . . . I made the mistake of making the universal gesture of rolling my hand in the "keep the clock running motion" that doubles for "move it along" once. That didn't go over so well. I've learned to just let her prattle.

    I made that decision after putting the full matrix of evidence into my husband decision-o-meter, which invariably answers "is this worth starting $#@! with her?" with an answer of "NO."
    did the same gesture while saying "meat and potatoes... meat and potatoes"...... she stopped and looked at me with a steely ice cold stare.. and said "what the $#@! is your problem?".... so I promptly responded.. "nothing.. keep going with your story"

    I'm willing to bet Hoosier can confirm this stare from my wife.. I'm sure he's seen it at least once thrown at me..

  • #126
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    My ex-wife once wrote a $5 check to a homeless man and couldn't understand why he didn't seem more appreciative.

    Also, after once passing a sign near San Antonio saying "Edwards Aquifer Recharge Zone", suggested that we take a blanket and picnik basket with some food there someday. You know, to the aquifer?

    She was dead serious.
    Last edited by cajunhorn; 08-10-2010 at 07:16 PM.

  • #127
    Chieftain of Aggression Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan's Avatar
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    Yeah, but Cajun, I think folks are more interested in hearing about stuff that Spicy does . . . .

  • #128
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brisketexan View Post
    Yeah, but Cajun, I think folks are more interested in hearing about stuff that Spicy does . . . .
    Well, I can give you a few after I secure permission.

    Until then, here's another on the ex.

    One time I was doing up some frijoles in my pressure cooker. Went back in the bedroom to get ready to hit the shower when I heard the front door open and close. Ex says, "Hi honey, I'm home." I get the hot water running and step into the shower only to hear a loud bang followed quickly by a thud and scream coming from the kitchen. I wrap the towel around my waist and run dripping wet into the kitchen to be presented with a view of my ex standing there with beans in her hair, beans on the ceiling, and a slight indentation in the drywall above her head. She says, "They smelled good and I just wanted a taste."

  • #129
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    Quote Originally Posted by GSU&UT View Post
    Was she always deaf then, because I'd imagine that she wouldn't be able to make correct speech sounds very well if she tries to talk. I apologize if it's too personal of a question, but have you learned sign language and how is it having a deaf wife?
    GSU, yes, she was born deaf but when people hear her speech, the generally assume English is her second language. I can't count the number of times people ask her "where are you from"? When she says "Omaha", they say, "No...what country are you from". She was just very determined to go to school with her hearing friends so years and years of speech therapy when she was younger, plus parents who wouldn't let her give up.

    When she goes to a new audiologist, they talk with her for about 30 minutes and don't believe she has profound loss, then they put her in the booth. Every time, the result is the same. They look at me and say "She really IS deaf". Hers is 85% hearing loss which means, even with hearing aids, she only hears someone is talking and knows to look in that direction. Then the lip reading takes over.

    BTW, there was a story on 3:16 years ago about a mirror in our bedroom and her lip reading skilz in a very dimly lit room.

  • #130
    asshat WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex Definitely Shaggy upper class WhoooTex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hitbyatrain View Post
    Can I extend this to Mothers-in-law? Mine legitimately thought that Tennessee didn't have paved roads.
    Yes let's bring mothers-in-law into it. I get along great with mine, but I end up shaking my head sometimes. NOTE: THIS IS A POLITICAL EXAMPLE, IT NEITHER IMPLIES NOR PROVES EITHER SIDE'S TEAM IS GOING TO WIN HALFTIME.

    MOTHER-IN-LAW (MIL): "I am reading a new book, it is SO good, it is called The Obama Diaries".

    Me: "Yeah, I heard about that. Laura Ingraham-- is she funny...?"

    MIL: "Well yes but I get so MAD reading it, you just would not believe the things Obama says in his diary!!!"

    Me: "What?"

    MIL: "Oh he just goes on and on about how he's putting one over on America and getting away with things and how stupid we all are."

    Me: "Well, I wouldn't get that worked up about it, it's just satire."

    MIL: "What? No it's not, it's Obama's diary. And Michelle Obama's too."

    Me: "No, MIL, it's satire. The diaries are fictional. They're just in there to prove a point."

    MIL: "No, you don't understand. Someone GAVE her the diaries! I heard it on her radio show. This guy put them on the windshield of her car and then told her 'you know what to do', so she wrote the book to expose Obama!"

    Me: "No, it's satire. That's just embellishment to make the story seem more real. It's a play off Deep Throat from Watergate. Seriously, those aren't Obama's diaries. No publisher in the world would publish the private diaries of a sitting U.S. President, it would be a national security risk and heck you could probably go to jail for it if it was done without consent."

    MIL: "Well why would she do that? She wouldn't do that. I think those are his real diaries."

    This went on for almost an entire day before I finally got her to accept that the "diary excerpts" were fictional.
    Last edited by WhoooTex; 08-10-2010 at 07:48 PM.

  • #131
    asshat PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace slams and goes hard. PokerFace's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhoooTex View Post
    Yes let's bring mothers-in-law into it. I get along great with mine, but I end up shaking my head sometimes. NOTE: THIS IS A POLITICAL EXAMPLE, IT NEITHER IMPLIES NOR PROVES EITHER SIDE'S TEAM IS GOING TO WIN HALFTIME.

    MOTHER-IN-LAW (MIL): "I am reading a new book, it is SO good, it is called The Obama Diaries".

    Me: "Yeah, I heard about that. Laura Ingraham-- is she funny...?"

    MIL: "Well yes but I get so MAD reading it, you just would not believe the things Obama says in his diary!!!"

    Me: "What?"

    MIL: "Oh he just goes on and on about how he's putting one over on America and getting away with things and how stupid we all are."

    Me: "Well, I wouldn't get that worked up about it, it's just satire."

    MIL: "What? No it's not, it's Obama's diary. And Michelle Obama's too."

    Me: "No, MIL, it's satire. The diaries are fictional. They're just in there to prove a point."

    MIL: "No, you don't understand. Someone GAVE her the diaries! I heard it on her radio show. This guy put them on the windshield of her car and then told her 'you know what to do', so she wrote the book to expose Obama!"

    Me: "No, it's satire. That's just embellishment to make the story seem more real. It's a play off Deep Throat from Watergate. Seriously, those aren't Obama's diaries. No publisher in the world would publish the private diaries of a sitting U.S. President, it would be a national security risk and heck you could probably go to jail for it if it was done without consent."

    MIL: "Well why would she do that? She wouldn't do that. I think those are his real diaries."

    This went on for almost an entire day before I finally got her to accept that the "diary excerpts" were fictional.
    wow. just wow.

  • #132
    Okay, since I don't have a husband to tell on me, I guess I'll tell on myself. Last year, I bought myself a Smith & Wesson M&P 9mm, for my birthday. Since I had VERY limited experience firing a gun, I figured that I should limit my exploration of my new "toy" to just loading the clip.....at least until my boyfriend could take me out to his ranch for target practice. The next evening he comes over, and I tell him about the difficulty I had loading the clip. About how it was REALLY hard to get all 17 bullets in, but that I had finally accomplished it, with the help of a speed loader, which I purchased from Academy. He tells me to go get the gun and the clip, so he can take a look at them. When I show them to him, he just starts laughing. At me. Not with me. So, I ask him what is so damn funny, and he holds the gun in his right hand.......clip in his left hand.........like he's going to slid the clip in the bottom of the handle..........and then asks me if I see anything wrong with the picture. Ummmmm, no. Except for the fact that the bullets in the clip are pointing TOWARD him. It was MUCH easier to load once I turned the damn bullets around.

  • #133
    asshat Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero Shaggy Silver Club Superhero's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HoosierHorn View Post
    I'm going to impart some wisdom on you, because I like you. However, I have to warn you, I have no idea how your wife will respond to this. You will never forget what I'm going to tell you, and you may or may not ever use it, but you will know when it applies. OK, here goes... When you think you are about to get the woman version of a story (almost always) interrupt the story and say this:

    "Say the last part first."

    Do not thank me.
    I chortled. Rep for you. Gonna try that with the wife, she's gonna love it.


    We've been married for about 2 years now, and the stupid stuff is happening less frequently now, from 7 times per week, down to... 6. Some things are re-occurring (clueless when it comes to directions). Some are, God willing, once-in-a-lifetime issues.

    The absolutely dumbest thing was when we were going on vacation for 2 weeks. We took her cat to my cousin's place for him/his wife to cat-sit. When we dropped off the cat, she wasn't familiar with the new surroundings and hid in the closet.

    The next day from the airport, my wife calls my cousin's wife to see how the cat is doing:
    Wife: How's Puma (the cat) doing?
    Cousin's Wife: She's still scared, still hiding in the closet.
    Wife: Can I talk to her? Put me on speaker phone.
    CW: Hold on... *opens the closet door*
    *** at this point, the cat lets out a sad meow ***
    Wife: Awww... [blah blah blah since I'm no longer listening]
    After she hangs up, she starts getting misty eyed, then teary, and finally starts sobbing in the middle of LAX. People are looking at her like she just found out her grandma died or something. 2 weeks later, we come back from vacation and the cat's perfectly happy, not wanting to go home.

    Grrrr...

  • #134
    asshat Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen. Blotto has a gigantic e-peen.
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    After she hangs up, she starts getting misty eyed, then teary, and finally starts sobbing in the middle of LAX. People are looking at her like she just found out her grandma died or something. 2 weeks later, we come back from vacation and the cat's perfectly happy, not wanting to go home.
    classic

  • #135
    asshat baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? baboso's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brisketexan View Post
    My wife is far from alone in this particular trait:

    "Oh honey, I wanted to tell you about something that happened today when I went to pick up (cleaning, groceries, whatever).

    I went up to the HEB on Far West -- you know I like to go to that one because they have those little yogurts that the kids like. You know, the organic squeezie ones. We put them in their lunches all the time. They really seem to like those instead of the cups of yogurt, and I don't really know why, because they taste the same.

    Anyway, as I am headed back to the pharmacy, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones -- you remember Mary Jo. She has the son that went to Ole Miss, and ended up being a petroleum engineer. He married a Mississippi girl, and he took a job and they all moved to Arkansas . . or was it Oklahoma? I think it was Oklahoma. Wait, maybe it WAS Arkansas. I remember they had some really funny story about not being able to find a 24 hour drugstore there . . . wait, it was New Mexico. That's it. They moved to New Mexico. You know, they have the cutest 2 little girls -- I saw a picture of them on Facebook I think. They were wearing these matching peach dresses, and they were outside -- and YES, it IS New Mexico, because there were mountains in the background. Geez, it has been SO long since we've been to New Mexico, we really need to take a trip sometime.

    Well, anyway, I'm talking to Mary Jo -- who looks like a million bucks still -- and she is just so delightful. We must have talked for 15 minutes about the kids, mom, her son . . . it was really nice. So, she tells me that she and her husband are selling the house in Northwest Hills and buying a little retirement ranch in Alpine."

    Me, waiting there for some sort of point to the story . . . allowing for a silent pause for a few moments. "So, that's it?"

    "Yes."

    "So the point of all that is that Mary Jo Jones is moving to Alpine."

    "Yes, that's what I said. Weren't you listening?"

    ANSWER IN MY HEAD: "Yes, I was listening to the whole damned thing, expecting there to eventually be some point. After all that, I expected the point to be something other than 'some chick you don't know is moving to West Texas.'"

    REAL ANSWER: "Yes, I was listening. That's how I know she's moving to Alpine."

    All of this, versus the guy version of that story, if he bothered to tell it all:

    "Hey honey, I bumped into Mary Jo Jones at the store. Did you know she and her husband are moving to Alpine?"
    Yep, uh-huh, except you went into much more needed detail (I was in a hurry and at work, having just hung up from a conversation that should have taken 1 minute but yet somehow ran into 10 minutes).

    And, I can vouch for Mrs. hulla's lip reading skills and general all around bad-assedness despite her hearing impairment. The first time I met her, about 11 years ago, I thought she might of had a minor stroke or something. The amount of work she has put into learning inflections on the spoken word is truly staggering.
    Last edited by baboso; 08-10-2010 at 09:58 PM. Reason: mrs. hullabelew's all around bad-assedness

  • #136
    asshat miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito Shaggy Gold Club miguelito's Avatar
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    my wife doesn't appreciate proper nouns. she prefers vague pronouns.

    this happens at least once a week:

    (out of the blue new topic conversation)
    her: she said he would go there and see if she needed to get it from her.
    me: who said who would go where and see if who needed to get what from who?
    her: i was GOING to tell you but you cut me off before I could finish!!!
    me: by the time you finished I would have been so confused that you would have had to start over again. use proper nouns.
    her: no. you don't care.
    me: about what?

  • #137
    asshat Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain Shaggy Platinum Blain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LDYLNGHRN View Post
    Okay, since I don't have a husband to tell on me, I guess I'll tell on myself. Last year, I bought myself a Smith & Wesson M&P 9mm, for my birthday. Since I had VERY limited experience firing a gun, I figured that I should limit my exploration of my new "toy" to just loading the clip.....at least until my boyfriend could take me out to his ranch for target practice. The next evening he comes over, and I tell him about the difficulty I had loading the clip. About how it was REALLY hard to get all 17 bullets in, but that I had finally accomplished it, with the help of a speed loader, which I purchased from Academy. He tells me to go get the gun and the clip, so he can take a look at them. When I show them to him, he just starts laughing. At me. Not with me. So, I ask him what is so damn funny, and he holds the gun in his right hand.......clip in his left hand.........like he's going to slid the clip in the bottom of the handle..........and then asks me if I see anything wrong with the picture. Ummmmm, no. Except for the fact that the bullets in the clip are pointing TOWARD him. It was MUCH easier to load once I turned the damn bullets around.
    Magazine!

  • #138
    asshat judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag Shaggy Platinum judge roybeanbag's Avatar
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    My wife is the most indecisive human being ever. Seriously. She can't commit to $#@!. She can sit down to respond to a simple email and take 3 hours to do it. I swear if she ever tried to make a post or reply here, I would know it because it would take 3 days and 4 review cycles.

    Is anyone elses wife like this? It's like the "pursuit of perfection" takes so $#@!ing long the recipients of the communication die long beforehand. As a result we haven't been on a vacation or made plans to go anywhere for 15 $#@!ing years, because SHE CAN'T COMMIT TO ANYBODY ELSE'S SCHEDULE. Like the most interesting man in the world, I don't kill bitches often, but when I do, it is in my mind and it is my wife.

  • #139
    asshat SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton Shaggy Bronze Club SydneyCarton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by miguelito View Post
    my wife doesn't appreciate proper nouns. she prefers vague pronouns.

    this happens at least once a week:

    (out of the blue new topic conversation)
    her: she said he would go there and see if she needed to get it from her.
    me: who said who would go where and see if who needed to get what from who?
    her: i was GOING to tell you but you cut me off before I could finish!!!
    me: by the time you finished I would have been so confused that you would have had to start over again. use proper nouns.
    her: no. you don't care.
    me: about what?
    "You don't care." Then why the $#@! do you insist on telling me this $#@! to begin with, and then get mad at me for not caring?!?!

  • #140
    Trips to the grocery store with the wife takes no less than 60 minutes per trip because she insists spending half that time looking at the same soaps and shampoos and toothpastes that she's seen hundreds of times before. I try to tell her that Dove and Pantene haven't come out with a new product in the last 7 days, but she still insists on opening every bottle in the whole damn aisle, even though (as I said) she's smelled these products hundreds of times before.

  • #141
    asshat MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast grows his own roses MyQuick=FrenchToast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DCA_HORN View Post
    Somehow this thread won't be complete without wide's Christmas hay ride story.
    Somehow this thread won't be complete until we have THujone's interpretations.

  • #142
    Quote Originally Posted by MyQuick=FrenchToast View Post
    Somehow this thread won't be complete until we have THujone's interpretations.

    The cat in your avatar looks really $#@!ing pissed off.


    Can I share stories about Randy? I consider him a she bitch anyway lolololol.

  • #143
    Quote Originally Posted by MyQuick=FrenchToast View Post
    Somehow this thread won't be complete until we have THujone's interpretations.

    The cat in your avatar looks really $#@!ing pissed off.


    Can I share stories about Randy? I consider him a she bitch anyway lolololol.

  • #144
    Quote Originally Posted by hullabelew View Post
    BTW, there was a story on 3:16 years ago about a mirror in our bedroom and her lip reading skilz in a very dimly lit room.
    Still one of my favorite hornfans/shaggy stories ever.

  • #145
    Here's the bad news fellas. I've been married to the same woman for 41 years. She exhibits all these traits and it doesn't get any better with time.

    We have been together long enough however that I can get away with telling her to get to the point already. If she starts talking about something inane like who is winning on dancing with the stars I just repeat "don't care,don't care" repeatedly until she gets the message. Sometimes even that doesn't work.

    If we didn't love 'em we would damn sure kill 'em.

  • #146
    asshat Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by judge roybeanbag View Post
    My wife is the most indecisive human being ever. Seriously. She can't commit to $#@!. She can sit down to respond to a simple email and take 3 hours to do it. I swear if she ever tried to make a post or reply here, I would know it because it would take 3 days and 4 review cycles.

    Is anyone elses wife like this? It's like the "pursuit of perfection" takes so $#@!ing long the recipients of the communication die long beforehand. As a result we haven't been on a vacation or made plans to go anywhere for 15 $#@!ing years, because SHE CAN'T COMMIT TO ANYBODY ELSE'S SCHEDULE. Like the most interesting man in the world, I don't kill bitches often, but when I do, it is in my mind and it is my wife.
    You have just described my mother in law.

  • #147
    asshat USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. USAOROTC's Avatar
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    My wife used my diesel to run errands one day last week... She filled up on gasoline less than a mile from our house, coming back...The only reason i caught it was we keep the receipts for the Shell card. I've had this vehicle the entire length of our relationship, I've explained the differences between a diesel and combustion engine to her...

    >:0 <-------------- my angry face...

  • #148
    asshat Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by USAOROTC View Post
    My wife used my diesel to run errands one day last week... She filled up on gasoline less than a mile from our house, coming back...The only reason i caught it was we keep the receipts for the Shell card. I've had this vehicle the entire length of our relationship, I've explained the differences between a diesel and combustion engine to her...

    >:0 <-------------- my angry face...
    damn. i hope your engine isn't too far gone.

  • #149
    asshat cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. cam4mav's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LDYLNGHRN View Post
    Okay, since I don't have a husband to tell on me, I guess I'll tell on myself. Last year, I bought myself a Smith & Wesson M&P 9mm, for my birthday. Since I had VERY limited experience firing a gun, I figured that I should limit my exploration of my new "toy" to just loading the clip.....at least until my boyfriend could take me out to his ranch for target practice. The next evening he comes over, and I tell him about the difficulty I had loading the clip. About how it was REALLY hard to get all 17 bullets in, but that I had finally accomplished it, with the help of a speed loader, which I purchased from Academy. He tells me to go get the gun and the clip, so he can take a look at them. When I show them to him, he just starts laughing. At me. Not with me. So, I ask him what is so damn funny, and he holds the gun in his right hand.......clip in his left hand.........like he's going to slid the clip in the bottom of the handle..........and then asks me if I see anything wrong with the picture. Ummmmm, no. Except for the fact that the bullets in the clip are pointing TOWARD him. It was MUCH easier to load once I turned the damn bullets around.
    haha nice

  • #150
    asshat Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five's Avatar
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    You people have no idea what I could do to this thread if I chose to do so.

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