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Thread: Wives and the Stupid $#@! They Say/Do

  1. #151
    asshat Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday has a gigantic e-peen. Doc Holliday's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Red Five View Post
    You people have no idea what I could do to this thread if I chose to do so.
    you're right. i don't.

    soooooo why don't you go ahead and do it?!?

  • #152
    asshat TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser Probably Shaggy upper class TheCruiser's Avatar
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    Somewhere, there's a thread of "gross $#@! your husband does" on a female empowerment message board. And after the stereotypical stories about how we $#@!ed up a DIY project at home, forgot the kid's birthday, forgot the anniversary date, took the romance out of Valentine's Day, got too drunk, farted in public, made a mess in the kitchen/bathroom, etc., etc. After every exhausted standup comedy bit has been rehashed about how men are pigs/slobs/overgrown children, no new ground will be covered. But every day, a wife finds a new way to throw every bit of human logic, every rational thought process, every evolutionary horizon crossed...she'll throw that all away to do things "her way" and our species will be forever, $#@!ing...stunned. NEvermind what they do to communication overall...

  • #153

    Wives and the Stupid $#@! They Say/Do

    Quote Originally Posted by Red Five
    You people have no idea what I could do to this thread if I chose to do so.

    Story time! Story time! Story time!

  • #154
    asshat Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob Shaggy Bronze Club Bundaberg Bob's Avatar
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    This is more crazy than stupid:

    Right after having sex w ex gf

    Her: So....you know I'm not on the pill anymore....
    Me: WTF?! No, I did not know that, how the $#@! am I supposed to know that? Why?
    Her: I just didn't feel like it this month.
    Me: You just didn't feel like it? Don't you think that is irresponsible?
    Her: Why do I always have to be the responsible one? It's always the woman that has to be responsible. You could wear a condom you know, if you're so worried!
    Me: You hate condoms, but I would gladly go out out and buy condoms if you had told me you were off the pill. Don't you think it would have been a good idea to have this discussion BEFORE I just blew 2 loads inside of you!
    Her: Whatever, you're SO uptight, it will all work out how god wants it.

    Needless to say, her and I didn't work out.

    Different ex-gf, now this is stupid:

    So we're traveling to Vegas and were on a layover in Phoenix. We're walking around the terminal, when she says "wow, I can't believe that a flight from Phoenix to Italy is so cheap." I look up and see an add for flights from phoenix to Tucson for $99. So I say, "Italy?, what are you talking about, where does it say that?" She says, "Tucson, right here...I loved that movie "Under the Tucson Sun", I would love to go to Italy. "Ummm, that's Tucson, ARIZONA, there is no Tucson, Italy and TUSCANY is a region in Italy, not a city." She then got mad at me and called me a $#@!ing know it all. Damn, she was hot.

  • #155
    asshat Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five Shaggy Gold Club Red Five's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doc Holliday View Post
    you're right. i don't.

    soooooo why don't you go ahead and do it?!?
    I've got about 80 hours of vacation saved up. Maybe sometime in the fall I'll take a couple of weeks off and devote them to this thread.

  • #156
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bundaberg Bob View Post
    So we're traveling to Vegas and were on a layover in Phoenix. We're walking around the terminal, when she says "wow, I can't believe that a flight from Phoenix to Italy is so cheap." I look up and see an add for flights from phoenix to Tucson for $99. So I say, "Italy?, what are you talking about, where does it say that?" She says, "Tucson, right here...I loved that movie "Under the Tucson Sun", I would love to go to Italy. "Ummm, that's Tucson, ARIZONA, there is no Tucson, Italy and TUSCANY is a region in Italy, not a city." She then got mad at me and called me a $#@!ing know it all. Damn, she was hot.
    Who on here had the girlfriend who said "Those Siamese sure have a lot of twins".

  • #157
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    All of the above X 43 years.

    But I still love her more than ever.

  • #158
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    Quote Originally Posted by USAOROTC View Post
    My wife used my diesel to run errands one day last week... She filled up on gasoline less than a mile from our house, coming back...The only reason i caught it was we keep the receipts for the Shell card. I've had this vehicle the entire length of our relationship, I've explained the differences between a diesel and combustion engine to her...

    >:0 <-------------- my angry face...
    Wow. I feel your pain. You should hear some of the phone conversations I've had with my wife while I'm at work, trying to explain to her what to explain to someone who can't speak english who is trying to work on my tractor. Luckily on the new one they put the diesel tank behind the seat, rather than next to the radiator fill cap. I've had diesel put in the radiator, 90 wt. gear oil put in the transmission and vice versa.

  • #159
    asshat Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake's Avatar
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    Former gf once said to me while we were driving somewhere "What's up with this Frontage Road. It seems to go all over the state."

  • #160
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cardin Drake View Post
    Former gf once said to me while we were driving somewhere "What's up with this Frontage Road. It seems to go all over the state."

  • #161
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    Quote Originally Posted by TOR View Post
    Mrs. Brat has that bookmarked.

  • #162
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cardin Drake View Post
    Former gf once said to me while we were driving somewhere "What's up with this Frontage Road. It seems to go all over the state."

    Mrs.Brat said the same thing when we were driving up to Missouri.

  • #163
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    Quote Originally Posted by Macallan12 View Post
    My wife thinks it's the greatest thing on earth when our cat climbs into an empty box and sits there in the box. She thinks it is a must see event - every time.

    Her: Quick, come here and look at this.
    Me: Is it a cat in a box? I'm busy here and don't want to get up for a cat in a box.
    Her: Just come look.
    Me: *grumble* grumble* Coming.

    Me, looking at cat in a box: Uh huh
    Her - just grinning

    I then turn around and go back to whatever I was doing.
    Duct tape that box shut and call for a UPS pick up....special delivery to Nome, Alaska.

  • #164
    asshat Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cardin Drake View Post
    Former gf once said to me while we were driving somewhere "What's up with this Frontage Road. It seems to go all over the state."
    Heard the exact same thing once. I nearly pulled over on the shoulder just to give her the TLJ stare.

  • #165
    Seleccion Suprema No. 1 Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo Shaggy Gold Club Macanudo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Red Five View Post
    You people have no idea what I could do to this thread if I chose to do so.
    I've been thinking the same thing but I'll be content to post Wide's Ride...

    After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

    My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

    This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that’s $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

    So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa…all that $#@!. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all goin’ to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay ‘den let’s get our roll on”

    My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see $#@! but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “ $48 for this $#@!?” ….she’s gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”.

    We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of $#@! overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”.
    Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we’re just “gettin’ our roll on”. ……………………..and then it happened.

    Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
    I lean over to the wife again….”This bitch better not turn right at this light”
    What does the driver do????? That’s right folks…$#@!ing turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood…BUT OUR $#@!ING STREET!!
    I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr…look at the Santa up on the roof kids”…….I know bitch …I'M THE ONE THAT $#@!ING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK.

    I can’t type this anymore…it’s just too painful. The point is….

    We spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.


  • #166
    asshat fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen has a gigantic e-peen. fawnknutsen's Avatar
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    Oh my God. Thanks for posting, Mac. I needed a good laugh.

    I'M THE ONE THAT $#@!ING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK.

  • #167
    asshat Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper's Avatar
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    i know it says no gf, but feel free to let me know how these don't compare.
    had one ex gf ask me if dragons were real and not really believe me when i said no.(she was at least foreign born though if that's an excuse)
    had another ex ask me where babies come from. as in where exactly in the woman they gestate "it's not the stomach is it?" (no excuse on that one)

  • #168
    asshat Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Viper View Post
    i know it says no gf, but feel free to let me know how these don't compare.
    had one ex gf ask me if dragons were real and not really believe me when i said no.(she was at least foreign born though if that's an excuse)
    had another ex ask me where babies come from. as in where exactly in the woman they gestate "it's not the stomach is it?" (no excuse on that one)
    Were they 12?

  • #169

    Wives and the Stupid $#@! They Say/Do

    Holy $#@! viper.

  • #170
    Quote Originally Posted by Viper View Post
    i know it says no gf, but feel free to let me know how these don't compare.
    had one ex gf ask me if dragons were real and not really believe me when i said no.(she was at least foreign born though if that's an excuse)
    had another ex ask me where babies come from. as in where exactly in the woman they gestate "it's not the stomach is it?" (no excuse on that one)

  • #171
    Okay, this is my gf. And this happens once a year or so. We have a joint checking acct. that we use for $#@! stuff, like movies. Put money in it we don't need for bills ect. I'm the one who keeps track of it, all I ask is that she call, text, e-mail, leave the receipt on my wallet, anything just as long as she communicates it to me.

    So last football season on thurssay night
    me: Hey there is a football game, I'm going to go up to the bar to watch it since we still have spending money.
    Her: okay, have fun

    Next day: The accounts negative.

    Me: Did you buy something yesterday?
    her: yeah, you said there money left in the acct I went shopping
    Me: Yeah, I used that money to go to the bar, now the accounts negative.
    her: Well, I didn't make you go to the bar.
    Me: right, but that was what we were going to use the money for
    her: so, you get to go to a bar but I can't spend any of the money
    Me: No, you don't understand. I wouldn't have gone if there was no money
    her: But you said there was money

    ect......

  • #172
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    My wife rarely eats read meat, which means no bacon. Whenever she orders a salad, rather than ask "Is there bacon on it?" she says, "What's in the salad?" Then we get to listen to "lettuce, ummmmm tomatoes, ummmmmm cheese, umm, lets see...cucumbers, um..something else....ummmm OH, CARROTS! It has grated carrots!". GRRRRRRRR. "OH, I forgot croutons, the salad has croutons too". Then, at the end she asks "Is there any bacon on it?" I calmly ask her, "Why not ask that question first?" Her response is either a Stare of Death or "I just never think about it".

  • #173
    bunghole Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad slams and goes hard. Teddy Salad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jameslaw View Post
    Okay, this is my gf. And this happens once a year or so. We have a joint checking acct.......
    Congratulations! In the state of Texas you may very well be common-law married.

  • #174
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    My wife's stepmom is the dumbest woman I know. One time my wife and her were watching LOTR, the stepmom turned to my wife and said "Can you believe all of this really happened?"

    She seriously thought that LOTR happened in the middle ages or some $#@!.

  • #175
    Quote Originally Posted by Teddy Salad View Post
    Congratulations! In the state of Texas you may very well be common-law married.
    ehh...mine as well be. Been living together for almost five years. The only real reason we haven't is that I don't want to spend however much it cost to have a party that involves her family coming over.

  • #176
    asshat Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain probably preboards planes Blain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by elguapo View Post
    My wife's stepmom is the dumbest woman I know. One time my wife and her were watching LOTR, the stepmom turned to my wife and said "Can you believe all of this really happened?"

    She seriously thought that LOTR happened in the middle ages or some $#@!.
    Torbush

  • #177
    Quote Originally Posted by elguapo View Post
    She seriously thought that LOTR happened in the middle ages or some $#@!.
    The Uruk-hai must have been juiced up Tanzanians. Mount Doom = Kilimanjaro. The $#@! is believable.

  • #178
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    Her: Spanky, tell your sons to settle down. Spanky Jr. is running around like a horse with his head cut off
    Me: You mean a chicken?
    Her: Whatever...some damn barnyard animal!

    And, the piece de resistance from our first year of marriage...

    Me: What the hell?!?
    Her: What?
    Me: How come my Hank Aaron card has your signature all over it?!?
    Her: Oh, I did that. I was talking to my sister on the phone and got bored. Why?
    Me: Why the hell would you do that?!?
    Her: WELL EXCUSE ME!!! If they're so important to you, how come you wrote on THAT card?
    Me: That's a Nolan Ryan card that he autographed for me when I was 13 years old! Could you at least grab a Chris Sabo or something?
    Her: Who's Nolan Ryan?
    Me: !@#$%^&!!!!!!!

  • #179
    asshat Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper Shaggy Gold Club Viper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tap Dancing KungFu Master View Post
    Were they 12?
    no, respectively they were 25 and 27 at the time.

  • #180
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    I remembered another good one.

    We went out to dinner one night while she was pregnant. We’re sitting there looking at the menu discussing our options.

    Me: What are you going to get?
    Her: I think I’m going to get the tuna steak.
    Me: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat tuna while you are pregnant?
    Her: (Looking at me like I’m an idiot) No, Tuna is fine, I just can’t have Tuna FISH.

  • #181
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    Quote Originally Posted by miguelito View Post
    my wife doesn't appreciate proper nouns. she prefers vague pronouns.

    this happens at least once a week:

    (out of the blue new topic conversation)
    her: she said he would go there and see if she needed to get it from her.
    me: who said who would go where and see if who needed to get what from who?
    her: i was GOING to tell you but you cut me off before I could finish!!!
    me: by the time you finished I would have been so confused that you would have had to start over again. use proper nouns.
    her: no. you don't care.
    me: about what?
    Ha! My wife used to do that - starting a "conversation" in her head without me, and asking me what I think about the situation. By employing a steady stream of WTF looks and "What the heck are you talking about?", I've now trained her to give me the context before asking my opinion.

    Now if I could only get her to stop using pronouns...

    And also be specific about which damned Amy, Carol, Jennifer, Angela, etc. she's talking about. That was a popular name in the mid- to late-70s, and we know a million of them. It takes about 3 sentences before I figure out which Amy sprained her ankle, and which Angela is pregnant again.

  • #182
    asshat The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason has a gigantic e-peen. The_Reason's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spankytoes View Post
    And, the piece de resistance from our first year of marriage...

    Me: What the hell?!?
    Her: What?
    Me: How come my Hank Aaron card has your signature all over it?!?
    Her: Oh, I did that. I was talking to my sister on the phone and got bored. Why?
    Me: Why the hell would you do that?!?
    Her: WELL EXCUSE ME!!! If they're so important to you, how come you wrote on THAT card?
    Me: That's a Nolan Ryan card that he autographed for me when I was 13 years old! Could you at least grab a Chris Sabo or something?
    Her: Who's Nolan Ryan?
    Me: !@#$%^&!!!!!!!
    i might have committed murder at this offense.....

  • #183
    Leanin' ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Viper View Post
    i know it says no gf, but feel free to let me know how these don't compare.
    had one ex gf ask me if dragons were real and not really believe me when i said no.(she was at least foreign born though if that's an excuse)
    had another ex ask me where babies come from. as in where exactly in the woman they gestate "it's not the stomach is it?" (no excuse on that one)
    Viperfail...


  • #184
    Quote Originally Posted by spankytoes View Post
    Her: Spanky, tell your sons to settle down. Spanky Jr. is running around like a horse with his head cut off
    Me: You mean a chicken?
    Her: Whatever...some damn barnyard animal!

    And, the piece de resistance from our first year of marriage...

    Me: What the hell?!?
    Her: What?
    Me: How come my Hank Aaron card has your signature all over it?!?
    Her: Oh, I did that. I was talking to my sister on the phone and got bored. Why?
    Me: Why the hell would you do that?!?
    Her: WELL EXCUSE ME!!! If they're so important to you, how come you wrote on THAT card?
    Me: That's a Nolan Ryan card that he autographed for me when I was 13 years old! Could you at least grab a Chris Sabo or something?
    Her: Who's Nolan Ryan?
    Me: !@#$%^&!!!!!!!
    wow.

    Quote Originally Posted by Superhero View Post
    Ha! My wife used to do that - starting a "conversation" in her head without me, and asking me what I think about the situation. By employing a steady stream of WTF looks and "What the heck are you talking about?", I've now trained her to give me the context before asking my opinion.

    Now if I could only get her to stop using pronouns...
    we're working on both of those too.

  • #185
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    Quote Originally Posted by spankytoes View Post
    Her: Spanky, tell your sons to settle down. Spanky Jr. is running around like a horse with his head cut off
    Me: You mean a chicken?
    Her: Whatever...some damn barnyard animal!

    And, the piece de resistance from our first year of marriage...

    Me: What the hell?!?
    Her: What?
    Me: How come my Hank Aaron card has your signature all over it?!?
    Her: Oh, I did that. I was talking to my sister on the phone and got bored. Why?
    Me: Why the hell would you do that?!?
    Her: WELL EXCUSE ME!!! If they're so important to you, how come you wrote on THAT card?
    Me: That's a Nolan Ryan card that he autographed for me when I was 13 years old! Could you at least grab a Chris Sabo or something?
    Her: Who's Nolan Ryan?
    Me: !@#$%^&!!!!!!!
    in your wife's defense... she is Russian... you wouldn't have any clue what you were doing if you scribbled $#@! on some Boris Medvedev 1985 curling card..

  • #186
    asshat Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin Shaggy Bronze Club Saint Austin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jameslaw View Post
    Okay, this is my gf. And this happens once a year or so. We have a joint checking acct.
    I thought this thread was for stupid $#@! that she does.

  • #187
    asshat Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12 Shaggy Bronze Club Macallan12's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saint Austin View Post
    I thought this thread was for stupid $#@! that she does.
    Bazinga!

  • #188
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    Quote Originally Posted by pescado_rojo View Post
    I remembered another good one.

    We went out to dinner one night while she was pregnant. We’re sitting there looking at the menu discussing our options.

    Me: What are you going to get?
    Her: I think I’m going to get the tuna steak.
    Me: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat tuna while you are pregnant?
    Her: (Looking at me like I’m an idiot) No, Tuna is fine, I just can’t have Tuna FISH.
    This one isnt getting enough attention yet.

  • #189
    purveyor of taste huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge Shaggy Gold Club huge's Avatar
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    Dont leave your hank aaron cards lying around where your wife can deface them

  • #190
    Morally Bankrupt Rogue Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club Lidig8r Shaggy Silver Club
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    So, dated my wife for about 7 years before marrying her this past March. (Second for both of us). It's about 10 o'clock at night.

    Her: I got these sexy, great new stockings and garter belt. Want me to put them on?
    Me: Never ask a thirsty man if he wants a drink.
    Her: Is that a Yes?

    So goes into the closet.. I hear some stumbling around noise.. 5 minutes go by.. 10 minutes go by.... 15 minutes go by.

    Me: WTF? I walk to the closet and look in.

    She is looking at her reflecting in the mirror and crying.. no garter belt, no stockings, just.. sweat pants and a top.

    Me: Uh... what happened?

    Her: Well, I came in here and started to change.. but then.. I looked at this new dress I bought and wanted to see what it looked like on me... then.. it looked a little tight and I saw it was a size 4.

    Me: You look great. Size 4 is great!

    Her: No, you don't understand. When we got married in March, my wedding dress was a size 0. I tried it on and couldnt get it buttoned up all the way! I am sooooo fat!!!

    Me: Baby.. in March, you weighed as much as you did in 7th grade! You looked like an Auschwitz survivor!

    Her: OH MY GOD... now you think I"m ugly!

    Me: No.. not at all.

    Her: OH MY GOD.. wah wah wah....

    Me: Baby.. Has Captain PMS arrived in town?

    Her: YES! and how insensitive can you be?!!!

    Me: I'm not getting a blowjob tonite am I?

    Her: OH MY GOD!!!!!

    To her credit, she puts up with my emotional constipation and she is way too hot for an old, cantankerous man like me.

  • #191
    Leanin' ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53 Probably Shaggy upper class ldogg53's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lidig8r View Post
    So, dated my wife for about 7 years before marrying her this past March. (Second for both of us). It's about 10 o'clock at night.

    Her: I got these sexy, great new stockings and garter belt. Want me to put them on?
    Me: Never ask a thirsty man if he wants a drink.
    Her: Is that a Yes?

    So goes into the closet.. I hear some stumbling around noise.. 5 minutes go by.. 10 minutes go by.... 15 minutes go by.

    Me: WTF? I walk to the closet and look in.

    She is looking at her reflecting in the mirror and crying.. no garter belt, no stockings, just.. sweat pants and a top.

    Me: Uh... what happened?

    Her: Well, I came in here and started to change.. but then.. I looked at this new dress I bought and wanted to see what it looked like on me... then.. it looked a little tight and I saw it was a size 4.

    Me: You look great. Size 4 is great!

    Her: No, you don't understand. When we got married in March, my wedding dress was a size 0. I tried it on and couldnt get it buttoned up all the way! I am sooooo fat!!!

    Me: Baby.. in March, you weighed as much as you did in 7th grade! You looked like an Auschwitz survivor!

    Her: OH MY GOD... now you think I"m ugly!

    Me: No.. not at all.

    Her: OH MY GOD.. wah wah wah....

    Me: Baby.. Has Captain PMS arrived in town?

    Her: YES! and how insensitive can you be?!!!

    Me: I'm not getting a blowjob tonite am I?

    Her: OH MY GOD!!!!!

    To her credit, she puts up with my emotional constipation and she is way too hot for an old, cantankerous man like me.
    Pics of the size 4 wife or GTFO...

  • #192
    Quote Originally Posted by Saint Austin View Post
    I thought this thread was for stupid $#@! that she does.
    Ouch.

    But, I set up the joint checking precisely so that she wouldn't know how much was in my bank acct or what I was spending it on.

  • #193
    asshat MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10 Probably Shaggy upper class MNLonghorn10's Avatar
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    stockings and garter belt optional

  • #194
    asshat BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hellraiser97 View Post
    My wife does similar. We'll be watching a show, then she'll start talking about her theory of who did it, or something it reminded her of or whatever. She always says that she doesn't see what the big deal is since we have a DVR, but then she gets upset when I pause it to let her say her piece.
    I can't say much about the girlfriend, considering her presence on these boards. But I have no problem revealing that she does this exact. same. thing. If you are going to talk during the show, don't get mad if I pause it to listen to what you are saying!

  • #195
    fucktard longhornedbeavo is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hellraiser97 View Post
    My wife does similar. We'll be watching a show, then she'll start talking about her theory of who did it, or something it reminded her of or whatever. She always says that she doesn't see what the big deal is since we have a DVR, but then she gets upset when I pause it to let her say her piece.
    This. We don't have cable (download/hulu everything) so I pause anytime she talks. She takes this as my trying to be a $#@! or pointing out that she's interrupting.

  • #196
    asshat LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? LonghornJudas's Avatar
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    From 10 minutes ago...

    Me: The check came in. The home equity is paid off, no more debt, the rest went into savings.
    Wife: Great, because I just paid $800 for season tickets.
    Me: You are the greatest wife ever.
    Wife: Just kidding.
    Me: NLAA...tonight.
    Wife: What's NLAA?
    Me: Back to work. Bye.

  • #197
    Cowboys and Texans fan ! tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt probably preboards planes tx 3 putt's Avatar
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    shouldn't you just assume anytime a woman opens her mouth it's going to be something stupid and/or useless dribble ?

  • #198
    asshat heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn Shaggy Bronze Club heinhorn's Avatar
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    This doesn't technically count b/c she's not my wife, but she's a wife and I guess that's all that matters. My step-mother-in-law is pretty much the largest retarded-retard that I know outside of her Mother whom we call The Queen-Re. We were recently discussing future vacation plans and the SMIL suggested we look into a Mediterranean cruise because she's always wanted to go to Galapagos Islands.

  • #199
    Quote Originally Posted by tx 3 putt View Post
    shouldn't you just assume anytime a woman opens her mouth it's going to be something stupid and/or useless dribble ?
    I think you are missing out on one of the more important functions as women can do

  • #200
    asshat spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jameslaw View Post
    I think you are missing out on one of the more important functions as women can do
    He said that they dribble...

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