Somewhere, there's a thread of "gross $#@! your husband does" on a female empowerment message board. And after the stereotypical stories about how we $#@!ed up a DIY project at home, forgot the kid's birthday, forgot the anniversary date, took the romance out of Valentine's Day, got too drunk, farted in public, made a mess in the kitchen/bathroom, etc., etc. After every exhausted standup comedy bit has been rehashed about how men are pigs/slobs/overgrown children, no new ground will be covered. But every day, a wife finds a new way to throw every bit of human logic, every rational thought process, every evolutionary horizon crossed...she'll throw that all away to do things "her way" and our species will be forever, $#@!ing...stunned. NEvermind what they do to communication overall...
Originally Posted by Red Five
Story time! Story time! Story time!
This is more crazy than stupid:
Right after having sex w ex gf
Her: So....you know I'm not on the pill anymore....
Me: WTF?! No, I did not know that, how the $#@! am I supposed to know that? Why?
Her: I just didn't feel like it this month.
Me: You just didn't feel like it? Don't you think that is irresponsible?
Her: Why do I always have to be the responsible one? It's always the woman that has to be responsible. You could wear a condom you know, if you're so worried!
Me: You hate condoms, but I would gladly go out out and buy condoms if you had told me you were off the pill. Don't you think it would have been a good idea to have this discussion BEFORE I just blew 2 loads inside of you!
Her: Whatever, you're SO uptight, it will all work out how god wants it.
Needless to say, her and I didn't work out.
Different ex-gf, now this is stupid:
So we're traveling to Vegas and were on a layover in Phoenix. We're walking around the terminal, when she says "wow, I can't believe that a flight from Phoenix to Italy is so cheap." I look up and see an add for flights from phoenix to Tucson for $99. So I say, "Italy?, what are you talking about, where does it say that?" She says, "Tucson, right here...I loved that movie "Under the Tucson Sun", I would love to go to Italy. "Ummm, that's Tucson, ARIZONA, there is no Tucson, Italy and TUSCANY is a region in Italy, not a city." She then got mad at me and called me a $#@!ing know it all. Damn, she was hot.
All of the above X 43 years.
But I still love her more than ever.
Former gf once said to me while we were driving somewhere "What's up with this Frontage Road. It seems to go all over the state."
After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.
My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.
This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that’s $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)
So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa…all that $#@!. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all goin’ to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay ‘den let’s get our roll on”
My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see $#@! but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “ $48 for this $#@!?” ….she’s gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”.
We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of $#@! overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”.
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we’re just “gettin’ our roll on”. ……………………..and then it happened.
Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again….”This bitch better not turn right at this light”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks…$#@!ing turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood…BUT OUR $#@!ING STREET!!
I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr…look at the Santa up on the roof kids”…….I know bitch …I'M THE ONE THAT $#@!ING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK.
I can’t type this anymore…it’s just too painful. The point is….
We spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.
Oh my God. Thanks for posting, Mac. I needed a good laugh.
I'M THE ONE THAT $#@!ING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK.
i know it says no gf, but feel free to let me know how these don't compare.
had one ex gf ask me if dragons were real and not really believe me when i said no.(she was at least foreign born though if that's an excuse)
had another ex ask me where babies come from. as in where exactly in the woman they gestate "it's not the stomach is it?" (no excuse on that one)
Okay, this is my gf. And this happens once a year or so. We have a joint checking acct. that we use for $#@! stuff, like movies. Put money in it we don't need for bills ect. I'm the one who keeps track of it, all I ask is that she call, text, e-mail, leave the receipt on my wallet, anything just as long as she communicates it to me.
So last football season on thurssay night
me: Hey there is a football game, I'm going to go up to the bar to watch it since we still have spending money.
Her: okay, have fun
Next day: The accounts negative.
Me: Did you buy something yesterday?
her: yeah, you said there money left in the acct I went shopping
Me: Yeah, I used that money to go to the bar, now the accounts negative.
her: Well, I didn't make you go to the bar.
Me: right, but that was what we were going to use the money for
her: so, you get to go to a bar but I can't spend any of the money
Me: No, you don't understand. I wouldn't have gone if there was no money
her: But you said there was money
My wife rarely eats read meat, which means no bacon. Whenever she orders a salad, rather than ask "Is there bacon on it?" she says, "What's in the salad?" Then we get to listen to "lettuce, ummmmm tomatoes, ummmmmm cheese, umm, lets see...cucumbers, um..something else....ummmm OH, CARROTS! It has grated carrots!". GRRRRRRRR. "OH, I forgot croutons, the salad has croutons too". Then, at the end she asks "Is there any bacon on it?" I calmly ask her, "Why not ask that question first?" Her response is either a Stare of Death or "I just never think about it".
My wife's stepmom is the dumbest woman I know. One time my wife and her were watching LOTR, the stepmom turned to my wife and said "Can you believe all of this really happened?"
She seriously thought that LOTR happened in the middle ages or some $#@!.
Her: Spanky, tell your sons to settle down. Spanky Jr. is running around like a horse with his head cut off
Me: You mean a chicken?
Her: Whatever...some damn barnyard animal!
And, the piece de resistance from our first year of marriage...
Me: What the hell?!?
Me: How come my Hank Aaron card has your signature all over it?!?
Her: Oh, I did that. I was talking to my sister on the phone and got bored. Why?
Me: Why the hell would you do that?!?
Her: WELL EXCUSE ME!!! If they're so important to you, how come you wrote on THAT card?
Me: That's a Nolan Ryan card that he autographed for me when I was 13 years old! Could you at least grab a Chris Sabo or something?
Her: Who's Nolan Ryan?
I remembered another good one.
We went out to dinner one night while she was pregnant. We’re sitting there looking at the menu discussing our options.
Me: What are you going to get?
Her: I think I’m going to get the tuna steak.
Me: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat tuna while you are pregnant?
Her: (Looking at me like I’m an idiot) No, Tuna is fine, I just can’t have Tuna FISH.
Now if I could only get her to stop using pronouns...
And also be specific about which damned Amy, Carol, Jennifer, Angela, etc. she's talking about. That was a popular name in the mid- to late-70s, and we know a million of them. It takes about 3 sentences before I figure out which Amy sprained her ankle, and which Angela is pregnant again.
Dont leave your hank aaron cards lying around where your wife can deface them
So, dated my wife for about 7 years before marrying her this past March. (Second for both of us). It's about 10 o'clock at night.
Her: I got these sexy, great new stockings and garter belt. Want me to put them on?
Me: Never ask a thirsty man if he wants a drink.
Her: Is that a Yes?
So goes into the closet.. I hear some stumbling around noise.. 5 minutes go by.. 10 minutes go by.... 15 minutes go by.
Me: WTF? I walk to the closet and look in.
She is looking at her reflecting in the mirror and crying.. no garter belt, no stockings, just.. sweat pants and a top.
Me: Uh... what happened?
Her: Well, I came in here and started to change.. but then.. I looked at this new dress I bought and wanted to see what it looked like on me... then.. it looked a little tight and I saw it was a size 4.
Me: You look great. Size 4 is great!
Her: No, you don't understand. When we got married in March, my wedding dress was a size 0. I tried it on and couldnt get it buttoned up all the way! I am sooooo fat!!!
Me: Baby.. in March, you weighed as much as you did in 7th grade! You looked like an Auschwitz survivor!
Her: OH MY GOD... now you think I"m ugly!
Me: No.. not at all.
Her: OH MY GOD.. wah wah wah....
Me: Baby.. Has Captain PMS arrived in town?
Her: YES! and how insensitive can you be?!!!
Me: I'm not getting a blowjob tonite am I?
Her: OH MY GOD!!!!!
To her credit, she puts up with my emotional constipation and she is way too hot for an old, cantankerous man like me.
From 10 minutes ago...
Me: The check came in. The home equity is paid off, no more debt, the rest went into savings.
Wife: Great, because I just paid $800 for season tickets.
Me: You are the greatest wife ever.
Wife: Just kidding.
Wife: What's NLAA?
Me: Back to work. Bye.
shouldn't you just assume anytime a woman opens her mouth it's going to be something stupid and/or useless dribble ?
This doesn't technically count b/c she's not my wife, but she's a wife and I guess that's all that matters. My step-mother-in-law is pretty much the largest retarded-retard that I know outside of her Mother whom we call The Queen-Re. We were recently discussing future vacation plans and the SMIL suggested we look into a Mediterranean cruise because she's always wanted to go to Galapagos Islands.
Football .. OC .. Basketball .. Baseball .. Other Sports .. RC Didn't Offer .. Gamboool
Varsity .. Hole in the Wall .. PCL .. Einstein's .. Nasty's .. GM Steakhouse .. NSAA .. Classics
Bada Bing .. Bernard .. Nerdz .. Can you help me with this? .. Shagslist .. Cloak Room .. Bellmont