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Thread: Wives and the Stupid $#@! They Say/Do

  1. #251
    asshat Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6 grows his own roses Xminus6's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by judge roybeanbag View Post
    God I hate that. My wife is a mumbler. Constantly tries to talk to me from the other room. One blessing of having kids is I can sit there and ignore her until she comes in there and then I say "oh, I thought you were talking to one of the kids".
    Well, the other issue is that she does talk to herself when she's trying to organize her thoughts. So even if I hear her making some noise I don't automatically assume she's talking to me until it sounds like she's repeating something.

  • #252
    asshat spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes Probably Shaggy upper class spankytoes's Avatar
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    Just now: "Why would they schedule a football game on Thursday night when Project Runway is on?"

    I'll write the commish..

  • #253
    asshat BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Used2b View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by tx 3 putt View Post
    shouldn't you just assume anytime a woman opens her mouth it's going to be something stupid and/or useless dribble ?
    Drivel?
    No, putt only dates retarded girls. Sometimes the saliva control is lacking.

  • #254
    asshat Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ranger_Red View Post
    You would swear our apartment was getting invaded by the aliens from signs. It is littered with half drank glasses of water.
    Holy $#@!. Multiply that by 3.

    My wife, her mom, and her dad. I can't stand it when the in-laws visit.

  • #255
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jameslaw View Post
    On a side note. Why is it that my girlfriend can leave 50 different make-up products, earring, towels, hairspray, ect all over the bathroom, but if I leave one wet towel on the floor she acts like demons have come through the bathroom drain to devour her soul?
    This.

    Quote Originally Posted by judge roybeanbag View Post
    God I hate that. My wife is a mumbler. Constantly tries to talk to me from the other room. One blessing of having kids is I can sit there and ignore her until she comes in there and then I say "oh, I thought you were talking to one of the kids".
    And this. Although I do the same thing back to her half the time.

    Somehow my wife managed to leave her client's office with someone else's keys this evening. I'm still boggling over that one.

  • #256
    Does snoring count as saying?

    /glances at clock that says 4:11, goes back to not sleeping

  • #257
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xminus6 View Post
    Well, the other issue is that she does talk to herself when she's trying to organize her thoughts. So even if I hear her making some noise I don't automatically assume she's talking to me until it sounds like she's repeating something.
    $#@!, my wife narrates $#@! as she's doing it. "I'm gong to turn right at the next light". "I think I'll go this way". "I'm going to the bathroom". (This one drives me $#@!ing nuts. It can be just the two of us watching a movie at home and she does this $#@!.

    When we first got married, we were in a restaurant so I start to get up from the table and excuse myself. She says "Where you going?" In hindsight, telling her I was headed to bar to try to find some strange wasn't the brightest thing to day but where-the-$#@! did she think I was going. Sometimes now, when she is particularly bitchy, I'll just day "I'm going to go take a $#@!". That doesn't go over too well either, but $#@!....

  • #258
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    Quote Originally Posted by hullabelew View Post
    $#@!, my wife narrates $#@! as she's doing it. "I'm gong to turn right at the next light". "I think I'll go this way". "I'm going to the bathroom". (This one drives me $#@!ing nuts. It can be just the two of us watching a movie at home and she does this $#@!.
    When my wife announces her plans, I always respond with "I'll alert the news media."

    Occasionally, she looks at me as if I just said "I'll go strangle a puppy"...

  • #259
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    Quote Originally Posted by RamjetFDO View Post
    When my wife announces her plans, I always respond with "I'll alert the news media."

    Occasionally, she looks at me as if I just said "I'll go strangle a puppy"...
    I always get a kick out of a deaf chick, driving down the road, talking to herself, OUTLOUD. I swear, women just like to hear the sound of their own voices, even if they can't hear them, like in my wife's case.

  • #260
    Quote Originally Posted by MitchCumsteen View Post
    I wish I had. My wife is very intelligent.
    The more intelligent they are the more it just increases the WTF factor. My wife was the Salutatorian at her high school and graduated college with a 4.0 Applied Mathmatics Major and Economics minor and is an actuary. Still she says these stupid things.

  • #261
    asshat Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Fico's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ranger_Red View Post
    The more intelligent they are the more it just increases the WTF factor. My wife was the Salutatorian at her high school and graduated college with a 4.0 Applied Mathmatics Major and Economics minor and is an actuary. Still she says these stupid things.
    Nerd.

  • #262
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beau Vine View Post
    Holy $#@!. Multiply that by 3.

    My wife, her mom, and her dad. I can't stand it when the in-laws visit.
    Are they hispanic? wondering if its cultural based on our small sample size

    Cause my hispanic wife and her family do the exact same thing. When they visit, there are no less than 10 cups at any time just sitting around the kitchen.

  • #263
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    Quote Originally Posted by creasy View Post
    Conversation from last night, while watching Hard Knocks:

    Me: How do teams get selected for this show? Why are they featuring the Jets this time?
    Traffic: Well, they had a good season... you know, I'm not the show producer....
    Me: Oh yeah, I forgot... the correct question is, "why do you think they selected the Jets?"
    Traffic: Yes!! We've talked about this before. For YEARS... why can't you learn how to ask the right question?
    Me: Well, you know what I mean.
    Traffic: [exasperated]
    For the record, I interpret this as you asking for an opinion as well.

  • #264
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    Last night we are watching TV when someone bangs on our door and rings the bell a few time. As I get up I hear the question.....


    her: who is it?
    me: how the hell should I know?
    Her: $#@!!!!!!
    me: WTF??


    Last weekend I was at a buddy's have some brews. I get an email with a picture attached.
    title of email "Awesome self calapsed"
    photo


    I freak out and call - evidently she was trying to switch from movie player to tv (we have an HDMI switch box) and when she hit the power button on the switch box the whole thing came crashing down. We were less than five minutes away from our house so I offer to come put everything back together - she refuses. Then I get texts for the next two hours asking when I am coming home so I can fix the TV as she can't go to sleep with no TV.



    My wife is very self sufficient. Doesn't need help often. However, when she does, she doesn't ask. Instead she opts to continue trying [whatever] and gets really frustrated with me. I learned this in year one of marriage. 6 years later, I have probably told her 5,000 times....I am not a mind reader. I will help you do anything and do so gladly, but you have to ask, otherwise I won't know. Does she ever ask, NO. And when I offer my help without a request, I get the "What, you think I am completely inept?" question.



    Why is it that she always wants to move pictures, mirrors, furniture in the middle of a football I actually care about?



    The other day, I was our primary computer doing some research re my new phone. I had about 5 tabs open with varying degrees of pertinent info. She storms over and says she has to get on the computer (when her netbook was right next to her chair). I give her a look like WTF?!?!?!? but move. I pick up the kiddo and am waiting patiently to get back on, here is the conversation......

    her: you just gonna stand there over my shoulder?
    me: I guess. just waiting to get back on to computer as I was in the middle of something.
    her: oh. this is gonna take a minute.
    me: k
    her: I need to confirm for his party
    me: whos party?
    her: his.....who do you think his is?
    me: I don't know. We have our sons party on sunday and the other kids (also a boy) on saturday.
    her: why would we need to confirm for the other kids? Obviously I meant our son's.
    me: whatever, just let me know when you are done.
    ....five minutes goes by and she is on facebook.
    me: did you get us confirmed?
    her: yeah.
    ...I guess knowing that I know she is done, she closes the browser
    me: um, did you just close all of that?
    her: yeah, why?
    me: I was working on something
    her: Oh, I didn't know.
    me: :angry:
    This kind of thing happens at least 2 times a month


    there are a ton more that are electronic related (getting calls with "how do you make a movie play? wii play? etc"). I have explained that a million times, if not more.


    I do most of the laundry in our home. I fold or lay out all of her stuff at the same time I do mine and the kids. When I get everything "done" I hang mine up and put it away. Hers stays in "piles" for weeks at a time because she is too tired to put it away. Then she gets pissed because she doesn't have anything to wear.......ugh.

  • #265
    Chieftain of Aggression Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan's Avatar
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    This is a frequent occurence at Casa Brisket:

    Her: Honey, have you seen that phone number (address, etc.) that I wrote down for Jane Smith?
    Me: No.
    Her: Dammit. I can't find it [frustrated tone in her voice VERY evident].

    She continues to tear apart the house for another 10 minutes looking for this number, address, or what have you that she wrote on a little post it note or something. She's obviously getting frustrated and angry -- and when she ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So, I decide to help solve the problem:

    Me: Here, honey, I looked up Jane's number -- it's 555-12 . . . [she interrupts me]
    Her: I CAN LOOK UP A PHONE NUMBER. I NEED TO FIND THAT PIECE OF PAPER!
    Me: Why? Does it have some other information on it?
    Her: NO. I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHERE IT IS, AND THAT I DIDN'T LOSE IT.

    The search continues. Sometimes successfully, after having wasted an hour of her life (and a good part of mine, if I know what's good for me). Sometimes not successfully, so she stays in a foul mood for the rest of the day. NOT because we couldn't find the phone number, but because she let herself be obsessed by finding a scrap of paper, because SHE can't lose ANYTHING.

    I have been married 16 years. I estimate that I have spent eleventy billion hours of that time searching for an item that could have been replaced in minutes or containing information that could have been found elsewhere in seconds JUST BECAUSE WE HAVE TO FIND IT. I have also spent a similar amount of time in a house with a steaming mad and cranky wife because the search for such inconsequential item failed to find said item. So, to summarize, Brisket is getting no love because you lost a 1x1 post-it note that had nothing on it but a phone number that you already looked up elsewhere? That's FANTASTIC.

  • #266
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    Quote Originally Posted by hullabelew View Post
    $#@!, my wife narrates $#@! as she's doing it. "I'm gong to turn right at the next light". "I think I'll go this way". "I'm going to the bathroom". (This one drives me $#@!ing nuts. It can be just the two of us watching a movie at home and she does this $#@!.
    Does she do it during sex? Because that would be a good thing.

  • #267
    Chieftain of Aggression Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan Definitely Shaggy upper class Brisketexan's Avatar
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    Does she do it during sex? Because that would be a good thing.
    Well, sure . . . unless the narration goes like:

    "I'm gonna stare at the ceiling now."

    "Now I'm gonna breathe a little heavier so you feel like you're making progress."

    "Damn -- that picture on the far wall is crooked again. I'll have to straighten it when you're done."

    "Now I'm gonna act like it's really working so you'll hurry up and finish."

    "That was fast. Believe it or not, I appreciate that. Now I'm gonna go clean up and read a book or do something else to avoid your company."

  • #268
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    Quote Originally Posted by pacman View Post
    Are they hispanic? wondering if its cultural based on our small sample size

    Cause my hispanic wife and her family do the exact same thing. When they visit, there are no less than 10 cups at any time just sitting around the kitchen.
    No, they're as white as can be.

    They also can't turn off lights. Enter room, turn on light, leave room, leave light on. I can't tell you how many times I've come home and literally found every light in the house on.

  • #269
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beau Vine View Post
    No, they're as white as can be.

    They also can't turn off lights. Enter room, turn on light, leave room, leave light on. I can't tell you how many times I've come home and literally found every light in the house on.
    This one's pretty easy to fix. Visit their place. Leave all the faucets on. Done.

  • #270
    Quote Originally Posted by pacman View Post
    Are they hispanic? wondering if its cultural based on our small sample size

    Cause my hispanic wife and her family do the exact same thing. When they visit, there are no less than 10 cups at any time just sitting around the kitchen.
    My wife is also white, but she is the only one in her family that does that.

  • #271
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    I love this thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Macallan12 View Post
    My wife thinks it's the greatest thing on earth when our cat climbs into an empty box and sits there in the box. She thinks it is a must see event - every time.

    Her: Quick, come here and look at this.
    Me: Is it a cat in a box? I'm busy here and don't want to get up for a cat in a box.
    Her: Just come look.
    Me: *grumble* grumble* Coming.

    Me, looking at cat in a box: Uh huh
    Her - just grinning

    I then turn around and go back to whatever I was doing.
    My soon-to-be-fiance does this too. I get so annoyed during the build up to these moments when she insists that I just have to go see something. Once I finally cave and get up while rolling my eyes and walk out there I have the same reaction as you..."Uh huh, sigh" and then I look over at her and she is beaming. I instantly start smiling because I can't stay annoyed at someone I love when I see something, or their reaction to whatever it is, that makes them giddy. That sudden reversal in emotion for me, and seeing how happy it makes her no matter how stupid it may be to me, quickly turns into some of my favorite moments.

    Enough of this emotional $#@!....

  • #272
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    well, i'm gonna stick with the generalization just to piss her off. i'll update the stupid stuff you've said to your wife thread at that time.

  • #273
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    Quote Originally Posted by MitchCumsteen View Post
    While driving home one day, a truck and trailer was parked in front of a house in our neighborhood. The enclosed trailer had "Alaska to Austin" written on the side.

    Me: Man, that's a helluva drive.
    Wife: Yeah. I guess they took a ferry or something.
    Me: Ferry?
    Wife: Well, Alaska being an island an all, I figured they must have taken a ferry or boat to get their truck and trailer here.
    Me: Alaska? Alaska has islands, but the state itself isn't an island. Are you thinking of Hawaii?
    Wife: No, no, no. Alaska is an island. Everytime I see it on a map it's off to the bottom left of us in the ocean. It's an island.
    Me: <crickets>
    yeah, but can she make a mean sandwich?

  • #274
    Quote Originally Posted by Bacone Cap View Post
    I love this thread



    My soon-to-be-fiance does this too. I get so annoyed during the build up to these moments when she insists that I just have to go see something. Once I finally cave and get up while rolling my eyes and walk out there I have the same reaction as you..."Uh huh, sigh" and then I look over at her and she is beaming. I instantly start smiling because I can't stay annoyed at someone I love when I see something, or their reaction to whatever it is, that makes them giddy. That sudden reversal in emotion for me, and seeing how happy it makes her no matter how stupid it may be to me, quickly turns into some of my favorite moments.

    Enough of this emotional $#@!....
    Wait until she does it during a football game.

  • #275
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    Me: (Watching TV in the living room)
    Wife: (talking on cell phone in the other room)
    Wife: (walks into living room and sits down while continuing to talking on the phone)
    Me: (turns up TV)
    Wife: (gives me look like I just $#@! in her cereal, gets up and leaves)
    Me: "What the $#@! did I do?"
    Wife: "Whatever!"

  • #276
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    Me: (Watching TV in the living room)
    Wife: (talking on cell phone in the other room)
    Wife: (walks into living room and sits down while continuing to talking on the phone)
    Me: (turns up TV)
    Wife: (gives me look like I just $#@! in her cereal, gets up and leaves)
    Me: "What the $#@! did I do?"
    Wife: "Whatever!"
    Happens.
    To.
    Me.
    ALL.
    THE.
    TIME.

    Wait -- it's MY fault that YOU walk into the room where I was ALREADY WATCHING THE TV, and I simply try to continue with what I'm doing? She also gets irked if I just pause the show and pick up the paper or something, as if it is a commentary on what she just did (which, of course, IT IS!)

  • #277
    Last night I had this little episode and thought immediately of this thread.

    My wife has been extremely frustrated at work and is making the kids and I insane. On her way home she calls and wants to cook a new salmon recipe to take her mind off of work but is clearly frustrated (I know she needs to purchase the salmon from a discussion earlier in the week) . I offer to go get any items she needs for the new recipe and she can just come home and relax while I go to the store. After she arrives home:

    Me: Look at the recipe and make sure you have everything you need before I go get the salmon.
    Her: I have everything I just need salmon and some rice.
    Me: You sure? (very skeptically)
    Her: I said I just need the salmon. I bought everything else for the recipe I just wanted the fish to be fresh so I didn't get the salmon.
    (Im off to the store)
    I select a nice piece of salmon from the store but call her as I am getting it from the butcher and want to know if she wants the skin removed. She says they sell it with the skin on and that is fine. I said, I'm looking at the salmon with the skin on but they will remove it if I ask them. I only called because it was a new recipe and I didnt know what is said. She said it is fine as is. I hang up. Butcher wraps the fish. I take 1 step from the counter and the phone rings. Wife: "The recipe says, skin off" (Keeping in mind my wife's prior demeanor) I respond, "that's OK honey, I will just skin it when I get home." Meanwhile I am looking for someone to punch in the face.
    I get home, wife is doing all the prep work, I skin the salmon and go to my computer.
    Wife: Oh NO, I need Agave Nectar.
    Me: WTF, is Agave nectar?
    Wife: an ingredient I need.
    Me: Do you need me to go get it?
    Wife: No you already went, I will just stop everything I am doing and go back to the store and get it. (This was worded in such a way that I knew I should just go but instead I sit down at my computer and she continues prep.) About 5 minutes passes and she peers into the living room and sees me on the computer.
    Wife: "Well if I had known you were just going to sit there on the computer I would have sent you to the store."
    Me: I said I would go and I will (still not knowing wtf agave nectar is.) Where do I find it?
    Wife: I don't know, try the juice aisle.

    I get my keys and hit the fridge in the garage on my way out the door and grab 2 beers b/c I can tell it is going to be along night and the store is a whole 5 blocks away.

    I go to the store. Find several nectars in the juice aisle, pear, peach, coconut, apricot, papaya, etc. No Agave. Turns out after consulting with the store staff and spending 10 minutes in the juice aisle, additional store staff inquiry reveals we may need to check the syrup ailse. Another 10 minute search and lo and behold, Agave nectar IS like a syrup and is on the syrup aisle, but I need to call wife because there are two kinds of agave nectar being sold at this establishment, light and dark. (Deep down I know she has no idea what to get but I want her to know how hard I am trying to get this right)

    Me: Honey, I FOUND AGAVE Nectar, which one do you want, light or dark?
    Her: I have no idea just pick.
    Me: I stare at the bottle for another 5 minutes knowing all I have to go home to is disappointment if I get this wrong. I suck it up and I pick the light one and proceed to counter.
    (Cell phone rings)
    Her: It says amber in the recipe.
    Me: How am I supposed to know which one is amber? There is regular and light, just like beer. (The one in my hand is the color of that knob on the cane in Jurassic Park, which I know was Amber so I think I'm good)
    Her: I have no idea.

    For some reason (not to necessarily please the wife) I still want to get this right. I go back to the aisle and look at the other bottle. In small print at the bottom of the bottle it says "amber" where the other says "light" I purchase “amber” and proceed home. On the one hand, I feel like a brilliant shopping god for finding this my mind cant help but think that I deserve all types of sexual favors upon my return home and certainly before I finally retire to bed. Perhaps some even involving agave nectar. I will even show her where it says "Amber" on the bottle so she will know my shopping prowess. On the other hand, I am fuming at this string of events and I am doubtful that any of my efforts will be rewarded so as a precaution, I buy beer and drink 3 on the way home eventhough the store is only 5 blocks away. One way or the other I am going to have a good night.

    Needless to say, the beer and agave glazed salmon would be my only pleasure (and it was good), but I took consolation in the fact that I made that happen, and I slept well knowing that.

  • #278
    ^^^^^^

    $#@! that.

  • #279
    one time dealer CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT Shaggy Silver Club CBT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UTEX90 View Post
    Wife: No you already went, I will just stop everything I am doing and go back to the store and get it.
    that passive-aggressive bull$#@! will get a bitched slapped

  • #280
    asshat texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago Shaggy Gold Club texasdago's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beau Vine View Post
    No, they're as white as can be.

    They also can't turn off lights. Enter room, turn on light, leave room, leave light on. I can't tell you how many times I've come home and literally found every light in the house on.
    Ahhhh... THHHIIIIIISSSSSS!!!!!

  • #281
    asshat Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen Probably Shaggy upper class Mitch Cumsteen's Avatar
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    Eating lunch with the Mrs. They call our number and I go to pick up the food at the counter.
    Her: Hey, we didn't get our free wee-fee. Will you go back and get it.
    Me: Sure, no problem. Wee-fee? What the $#@! is a wee-fee?
    Her: I think it's like a frisbee. They are supposed to give us one. The sign over there says free wee-fee.
    Me: Honey, that's wi-fi. This place has free wireless internet.

    The incredible thing is that she will spew out most of the inane bull$#@! that you could ever imagine, and yet I still can't win a $#@!ing argument with this woman for the life of me. I'm clearly the retard, not her.

  • #282
    asshat Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake slams and goes hard. Cardin Drake's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MitchCumsteen View Post
    While driving home one day, a truck and trailer was parked in front of a house in our neighborhood. The enclosed trailer had "Alaska to Austin" written on the side.

    Me: Man, that's a helluva drive.
    Wife: Yeah. I guess they took a ferry or something.
    Me: Ferry?
    Wife: Well, Alaska being an island an all, I figured they must have taken a ferry or boat to get their truck and trailer here.
    Me: Alaska? Alaska has islands, but the state itself isn't an island. Are you thinking of Hawaii?
    Wife: No, no, no. Alaska is an island. Everytime I see it on a map it's off to the bottom left of us in the ocean. It's an island.
    Me: <crickets>
    Haha. I don't know what it is, but 90% of women are just retarded about geography and can't read a map to save their lives. My wife is very intelligent, but she shares the missing geography gene.
    We were talking about some news event in Europe, and she says with a straight face.."Which ocean is it again that you take to get to Europe" ?
    Half the women reading this will be thinking "So why is that funny? Is there not an ocean involved or what?"

  • #283
    asshat Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette Shaggy Gold Club Bevoette's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MitchCumsteen View Post
    While driving home one day, a truck and trailer was parked in front of a house in our neighborhood. The enclosed trailer had "Alaska to Austin" written on the side.

    Me: Man, that's a helluva drive.
    Wife: Yeah. I guess they took a ferry or something.
    Me: Ferry?
    Wife: Well, Alaska being an island an all, I figured they must have taken a ferry or boat to get their truck and trailer here.
    Me: Alaska? Alaska has islands, but the state itself isn't an island. Are you thinking of Hawaii?
    Wife: No, no, no. Alaska is an island. Everytime I see it on a map it's off to the bottom left of us in the ocean. It's an island.
    Me: <crickets>
    lmao

  • #284
    asshat Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine Definitely Shaggy upper class Beau Vine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jameslaw View Post
    ^^^^^^

    $#@! that.
    Yeah.

  • #285
    asshat creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy Shaggy Bronze Club creasy's Avatar
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    Holy $#@!, UTEX90! Hilarious. Would read again.

    (meanwhile, thinks to self, hope I don't do $#@! like that...)

  • #286
    asshat twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club twizzler Shaggy Bronze Club
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    "Who do you think is just smoking hot?"
    About 2 seconds ago. I didn't answer.

  • #287
    Quote Originally Posted by UTEX90 View Post
    (The one in my hand is the color of that knob on the cane in Jurassic Park, which I know was Amber so I think I'm good)
    +rep for you, sir

  • #288
    asshat BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC grows his own roses BRC's Avatar
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    The dog was starting to whine last night while we were eating dinner.

    French Toast: I think it's so cool that she can open her mouth and noises come out.
    Me: Does it amaze you when people talk?

  • #289
    Freida's Boss DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? DCA_HORN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BostonRC View Post
    The dog was starting to whine last night while we were eating dinner.

    French Toast: I think it's so cool that she can open her mouth and noises come out.
    Me: Does it amaze you when people talk?
    Obligatory she can't talk with my $#@! in her mouth. Noises still come out though.

  • #290
    asshat RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO's Avatar
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    Re: Wives and the Stupid $#@! They Say/Do

    Location: living room
    Time: late last night

    Wife (mildly panicked): I can't find my iPhone!
    Me (knowing it's probably between sofa pillows where she was just sitting not 30 seconds ago): Why don't you just call it from the house phone?
    Wife: (picks up phone and dials)
    iPhone: (lame ringtone)
    Wife (realizing iPhone is between sofa pillows where she was just sitting, hangs up house phone and picks up iPhone): Hey! I missed a call.
    Me: (TLJ look)

  • #291
    asshat HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04 Definitely Shaggy upper class HornsN04's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RamjetFDO View Post
    Location: living room
    Time: late last night

    Wife (mildly panicked): I can't find my iPhone!
    Me (knowing it's probably between sofa pillows where she was just sitting not 30 seconds ago): Why don't you just call it from the house phone?
    Wife: (picks up phone and dials)
    iPhone: (lame ringtone)
    Wife (realizing iPhone is between sofa pillows where she was just sitting, hangs up house phone and picks up iPhone): Hey! I missed a call.
    Me: (TLJ look)

    Awesome.

  • #292
    asshat pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club pacman Shaggy Bronze Club
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    Wife: What are you doing?
    Me: Reading a news article.
    Wife: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah BlahBlah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah BlahBlah Blah Blah
    Wife: So what do you think?
    Me: I'm reading.

  • #293
    Faux Aggy hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew Shaggy Gold Club hullabelew's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacone Cap View Post
    I instantly start smiling because I can't stay annoyed at someone I love when I see something, or their reaction to whatever it is, that makes them giddy.
    Enough of this emotional $#@!....
    You will get over this once you get married.

    Quote Originally Posted by HenryJames
    Does she do it during sex? Because that would be a good thing.
    I'm not sure. She's usually not in the room.

    And from looking at Brisket's post, it sounds like I need to sweep my house for bugs.

  • #294
    First, I can't believe that some women can be this dumb/annoying/clueless, etc. Some of these stories have to be made up, right? Second, now I'm all paranoid that I'm as dumb/annoying/clueless, etc as these wives. I know I do some of this sh!t, but hopefully I'm not as bad as some of these wives. Now, I'm wondering what kind of things my husband would say about me. Thirdly, thanks to this thread, I'll catch myself as I'm about to do something stupid. I now ask myself, "Is this something that could end up in this thread?" I'm guessing my husband has Shaggy to thank as well as now I will think twice before doing something stupid.

  • #295
    I'm not married, but this is a 5 star thread.

  • #296
    Intellectual Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20 Probably Shaggy upper class Rocko20's Avatar
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    I'll use this thread as a future reference.

  • #297
    bunghole litninhorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? litninhorn's Avatar
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    She married me and has stuck around for 36 years.

  • #298
    Quote Originally Posted by creasy View Post
    Conversation from last night, while watching Hard Knocks:

    Me: How do teams get selected for this show? Why are they featuring the Jets this time?
    Traffic: Well, they had a good season... you know, I'm not the show producer....
    Me: Oh yeah, I forgot... the correct question is, "why do you think they selected the Jets?"
    Traffic: Yes!! We've talked about this before. For YEARS... why can't you learn how to ask the right question?
    Me: Well, you know what I mean.
    Traffic: [exasperated]
    Yeah, that just sounds like Traffic being an $#@!.

  • #299
    asshat RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO Definitely Shaggy upper class RamjetFDO's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duckie View Post
    I now ask myself, "Is this something that could end up in this thread?"
    Has your husband ever given you *this* look?



    If so, you're either already on this thread or may very well be someday.

    If not, give it time... you'll see this look soon enough.

  • #300
    asshat Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Tap Dancing KungFu Master's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duckie View Post
    First, I can't believe that some women can be this dumb/annoying/clueless, etc. Some of these stories have to be made up, right? Second, now I'm all paranoid that I'm as dumb/annoying/clueless, etc as these wives. I know I do some of this sh!t, but hopefully I'm not as bad as some of these wives. Now, I'm wondering what kind of things my husband would say about me. Thirdly, thanks to this thread, I'll catch myself as I'm about to do something stupid. I now ask myself, "Is this something that could end up in this thread?" I'm guessing my husband has Shaggy to thank as well as now I will think twice before doing something stupid.
    Awesome. I have been messing with my fiance all weekend telling her that she was going to end up on this thread if she wasn't careful.

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